Monday, March 04, 2013
Monday, May 31, 2010
I'll be damned.
I forgot my (apparently very secure) password, and my recovery e-mail was through my college. They promptly deleted that account upon graduation, and I never updated Blogger with a new password recovery address. I tried to use Blogger's password recovery service for the idiots who display such stupidity, and was promptly told that I had not provided enough accurate information to be given access. I couldn't remember my own personal and blog information. Further displaying my stupidity. Additionally, I also forgot my (also very secure) password to my ExactApproximations@gmail.com account, which would allow me to access Blogger despite ignorance of my Blogger password.
And I was sad, believing Lex was lost to me forever, known only in archives.
I could reset my ExactApproximations gmail account with a simple click, which immediately sent me re-set information to my primary personal email.
It was so obviously simple. Only took me 15 months to figure out.
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
Who took the square root of infinity
But the number of digits
Gave him the fidgets;
He dropped math and took up Divinity.
I've been super-into theoretical cosmology, quantum mechanics, and other such things I'm not smart enough to understand. It gets me through the long days.
Shout out to Sadie. I did it anyway.
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
I'm crying again, for the fourth time in the past 24 hours. Cried last night, with the anticipation of how today might be, and for what today would mean. Cried this morning, when driving Daughter to school and reminding her to never forget this day. Cried in the voting booth, when I saw an African-American name at the top of my ballot. And finally, I cried tonight, when the announcement came and I finally allowed myself to believe that this was really happening.
For the first time in a long time, I am incredibly proud to be an American. After the celebration passes, let the test begin.
I believe in this man.
I feel deep hope.
Hope springs eternal.
And may hope continue to grow.
Thursday, May 01, 2008
The Up & Up.
For the first time in so long, things are really, really good.
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
Well then, Lex has just the project for you!
I received my copy of a motion submitted by opposing counsel in a lovely little legal drama I am a party to in another state. Spent today drafting a response until nothing made sense anymore. Being pro se, I have a jackass for a lawyer. I would really like a second pair of eyes to review my pleading, advise on basic legal writing/clarity issues, and honestly bitch me re: what needs to be toned down lest I come off as an emotional, reactive idiot.
My document is only a few double-spaced pages long, so it shouldn't take long to look over. If you're willing to help, please leave your address in the comments. Or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
Any help much appreciated.
Labels: Help Wanted
Monday, January 07, 2008
I came up with three.
Is that sad? It seems sad. I can't explain why.
What's your count?
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
New Year's Resolutions
Putting 2007 behind me feels like rebirth. Looking back, the last year can appear a waste - down sick most of the year, fired, surgery... sucksville. I'm looking for the lessons. Humility. For sure. I flew through life easy-style for a long, long time. Many years. Got to the point where I started thinking everything would, naturally, come easy. To me. As if I deserved it or something. Then the bullshit came and I thought I would fall into and over and away with it. Falling on your ass hurts bad. Even now, even feeling better, I still feel it. I have scars to prove it. Scars to remind me there is no golden platter. Not one with my name on it anyway. And I'm starting to think maybe life wouldn't be so great if there had been...
Ok, so this year. This year I need to:
1) Find jobbie-job. With health benefits.
2) Get married. (Aiming for 8-8-08, save the date).
3) Find sex-tape.
4) Destroy sex-tape.
5) Start running again.
6) Go to beach. Twice. At least.
7) Stockpile highlighters from New Job.
8) Read Bible again. Highlight impossible/idiotic passages.
9) Call loved ones more. And return emails. (I was terrible about that last year.)
10) Learn tween slang. I'm 28 years old and I have no idea what half the things these kids are saying mean...
11) Try salmon.
12) Obtain minimum of two pairs of new Steve Madden shoes.
13) Read every dictionary entry under letter "L".
Wish me luck. Note that blogging more isn't on the list. I don't know what direction I'm going with LexLand anymore. Maybe I'm growing out of it. Maybe Lex has served her purpose. Maybe she's just begun. Maybe she'll start blogging again like crazy. Dunno. I'm not forcing any direction on the issue. I'll live it as it comes for sure; and maybe I'll write it.
Friday, December 07, 2007
Posting for the Sake of Posting
So I think surgery worked. I feel a billion times better. Put away my heating pad for the first time in over a year and a half.
I'm looking for work. Not meeting with much success. The interviews I've gone on have all been pretty small firms, and I haven't been very impressed. Another thing that sucks is most people don't want to start any hires until after the new year.Makes sense, but sucks for me. I am bored out of my mind.
My mother-in-law has been staying with me a lot. Officially, she lives with Sadie and Uncle Reptile, but that's pretty much a "title only" situation. She is here... ah, I'd say about half the time or so. She's been real sick. Suffers from Multiple Sclerosis, which is what my father had. She's been having a flare up and can't really get around too well. I've been chauffeuring her to doctors appointments and picking her off the floor when she falls. It's hard, to see someone feel that way, and not be able to do much. It's definitely bringing back some Daddy-Flashbacks.
Things should get more interesting once I start work. Blogging just isn't so much fun if you're not violating the Rules of Ethics.
Happy Holidays, I'll try to write more. Life right now doesn't make for very interesting blogging material.
I did lose a sex tape last week. That can't be good...
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Why do 1940's Assholes Win?
I think if the story were written today, Dresser would have ended up going back and saving the carnival girl. Instead, he lets her save him, nurse him, employ him, love him... then he lies to her just before he leaves her behind to seek greener pastures. And then, in the end, Dresser gets the super-star Sal and lives happily ever after. Which he absolutely did not deserve. And what became of the carnival girl?
Friday, October 26, 2007
If I remember and still want to, I'll post more about it later. Too tired right now. Just wanted to spread the word that surgery is officially in the past.
Hope all is well with everyone else in the blogosphere this week.
P.S. - I got a pretty entertaining comment on my last post, The One Where Lex is a Nutbar.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Her light eyes were dancing, she is insane.
Psychiatrist sits me down and starts asking all kinds of questions about my childhood, parents, drugs, birth injuries and flah flah flah. I answer. Whatever, none of it's news anymore. Towards the end of the session, we finally get to the dreams. I give Psychiatrist some examples of the dreams, and she sits back in her chair and says "wow" a lot. I told her about one dream and she said she had never heard of such things before... That was weird. How long did this chick go to school?
I got a diagnonsense.
I'm supposed to take anti-psychotics.
I don't want to.
I knew I was a little off, but never thought I was, like, crazy crazy.
Friday, October 05, 2007
Basically, these dreams consist of me traveling to other places/times and interfering with the actions of those in the other locations. For instance, I had this dream yesterday afternoon that I went on vacation, to a little town where I stayed at one of those hostile places, where you rent a room from a family. I show up to the place I'm renting my room from, meet the lady that runs the place and her son (a very gifted piano player). Exhausted, I head off to bed. I fall asleep. I dream. I call this, for clarity's sake "the dream within a dream" part. Anyhow, in the dream within a dream, I dream that I am out and about in the little town and start to see awful things happening. Lots of players, and the dream ends in the Piano Boy's death. I wake up from the dream, go downstairs to the common area, find paper, and start drawing everything I remember dreaming about. Hostile Lady walks by, looking at my drawings over my shoulder. She recognizes people. I have no idea who they are. Hostile Lady tells me that this is her daughter, her husband, the local barber, and so on - while pointing out the people in my drawings. I take her aside, away from Piano Son and tell her what happened in my dream. She looks stunned because she recognizes everyone and some things I'm talking about. I also go out to the town and speak to her husband, the barber and some others who I've forgotten since the dream. Anyhow, I tell these people what happened in my dream, then they change their actions and the terrible ending in my dream within a dream ends up not happening in the little town. I wake up. Confused. But feeling like I've accomplished something.
I've also been having repeating dreams, the same dream over and over again. Last night/this morning, I dreamt that I was on this strange alien planet... there was some sort of war going on. I don't know anyone in this dream. I find myself figuring out how their flying ships and various James Bond-esque gadgets work. I wake up (in *real* life). Later, I go back to sleep. The dream starts over. I'm going through almost the same events, except this time, I understand the machines and gadgets a bit better, and am able to avoid some awful situations I encountered the first time I had the dream. This last time I dreamt about it, some thing (not a person, but not your typical alien) - managed to secretly get me blueprints for the flying device I keep finding myself in, and try to start understanding how to operate it better. I seriously believe I will have the dream again and understand will things even better.
Another instance - I had a dream that lasted over the course of 3 nights. On the first night, these crazy aliens (again, not the typical aliens we all see pictures of), come to Earth. Their purpose is to destroy all humans. They start this venture by creating major climactic changes, which result in flooding, torrential downpours, mudslides, etc. Night 1: all this starts happening and, by myself, I flee to safe ground after going through terrible and frightening obstacles, going back, retracing my steps, all until I find a safe place. Night 2: Dream picks up where it left off, now my mission is to go back to where I began, and give groups of people the safe-route directions to the safe place. Night 3: Dream picks up where it left off. Now, together with the people that followed my directions, we all find larger groups of surviving humans who are trying to come up with a plan to fight back. Intricate details, traveling throughout the planet, spying on the aliens' activities... I never went back there in dream land.
So, this has all been going on for 2-3 weeks. It's freaking me out. I wake up not sure where I'm at. People, creatures, characters etc in my dreams are telling me to do things in real life. I honestly find myself believing that these things are seriously happening (I especially feel that way for the first 3-4 hours after I wake).
Yeah, so, I don't know. It's freaking me out. And I really think I'm losing it sometimes. One friend had some interesting thoughts on the topic... But mostly, everyone reassures me that I "know" these things aren't real. I explain that I honestly don't know for certain that these things aren't real anymore.
What does anyone think? Should I get my head checked? Most importantly, has anyone else had similar experiences? Message me with any and all thoughts - no matter how weird you think they might be. Trust me, I won't think you're crazy. I'm desperate.
Monday, October 01, 2007
Since I'm not having a hysterectomy anymore, and the new procedure might allow fertility for a couple more years, (before I have the eventual hysterectomy I'll need) - all I can think about is having another baby while I actually may still be able to. Since I had already dealt with never being able to have more children before, when I was going to have a hysterectomy, I think the newfound possibility makes the fantasies stronger and more pervasive. A sense of urgency.
So I started figuring that if: surgery goes well, I start working again, and we get caught up in bills - I wanted to try for another baby. The thought makes me happy, just imagining. Going through the experience with the other person, and not having to be 16, alone, poor, guilty, and scared shitless.
No one else seems stoked. Fiance looked at me like I was insane when I brought it up. In fairness, I have been thinking about it for awhile and presented it to him like this: "So, here's what I'm thinking, after I have surgery and start working, we're gonna try for another kid." He's all for the idea of going through physical requirements of trying, but not so much of reaching the pregnancy goal. Also, I didn't really give him time to think, then I got all stupid-chick-emotional-butt-hurt when he wasn't jumping up and down with excitement... After a bit, he said that when things stabilize, he's open to the idea. I remained a little stupid-chick-emotional-butt-hurt, but hid it well. As all semi-intelligent insane women eventually learn to do. It's all about hiding the extra-strength crazy.
Daughter picked up on the topic through small innuendos between myself, Fiance' and Mom-In-Law (sidenote: children are far smarter than people give them credit for, they so often know what's going on and get frustrated when no one talks to them about it because they're "too young".) Anyhow, afterwards, Daughter was visibly upset. I asked her time and again what was the matter, and Daughter told me it was nothing and she was simply tired. Finally, when we laid down for bed, I got her to spill. Daughter began crying. She doesn't want me to have another child. She likes things how they are. She's afraid she won't be my favorite person anymore. As I've discussed here before, I have always had concerns that I could never love another person more than Daughter and Step-Son - even my own child. I mean, I would still love the crap out of the kid, but I do honestly wonder if I am capable of feeling that way with anyone else. When I told Daughter that her concern was ill-founded and that I will always love her bigger than the mountains. She replied, quite convinced "that's what you say now, but that changes when people have a new baby." More tears. I didn't know what to say. I reassured her that we would all be one big lovin' family, but she was inconsolable. Finally, I told her that it wasn't even something we were trying for anytime soon, it was just a thought. Who knows if I can even have more children, many doctors have told me I probably still can't, even now that I get to keep my stupid fancy uterus. We put aside the issue for now, but she still seemed worried.
So, sadly, all this made me feel like I shouldn't have another baby. I don't want to be the only one stoked about the idea. And I already had my Keep-The-Baby-Daddy kid, so that parts taken care of. Still, I want it, I daydream about it, I can't get it outta my head. I dunno. I guess I should keep my maternal fantasies to myself and turn my daydreams to getting a dog.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Free... to feel good.
Awesome. So Awesome.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Too good to be true?
Anyhow, he calls me on Friday to pitch me some cases he's working on, and wants a lawyer to work on. Basically, he's at a stopping point on many of his cases because he can't do hearings. He had a sense of urgency - mostly because he has a forcible detainer case where PI has been helping a home-owner evict a tenant for lease breaches. The thing is, the home is technically owned by the guy's corporation, and a corporation can only be represented by an attorney or an officer of the corp (they haven't appointed officers yet, not that it matters, he's the sole owner) - so the court told him an attorney must file a Notice of Appearance before the judge will grant relief. So I go to PI's office, listen to the facts, procedural history, and current status of the case and give him some of my thoughts. Then came the mind-blowing portion of the discussion.
PI Guy wants to find an attorney, bring them on board, create an LLC, and become business partners. PI Guy will pay my dues, CLE fees, liability insurance, Westlaw access, and front all costs associated with the cases (expert fees, filing costs, law clerk salaries, everything.) I would be salaried initially (to ensure an income), and then once the business gets going (and in any event, less than 1 year), I become an equal shareholder and receive 1/2 of the profits. I get to write the employment agreement.
Obviously, my greatest concerns revolve around being able to competently represent our clients. Most cases are property law, red car/ blue car accidents, employment law, and some criminal work. I've done one case from start to finish - a straightforward car accident case where the insurance company folded and forked over the entire amount of the first demand. So my experience is light to say the least. I am not confident that I would be capable of becoming familiar with all the various areas of law in time to meet the deadlines in some of the cases (there are hearings as early as next week.) For example, in the forcible detainer case - I have no idea what to think about the fact that the corporation hasn't appointed officers yet, but already owns property (hiding assets?) -- Who would I sign the retainer agreement with? -- Would it be valid? -- These are all things I would need to figure out stat. Not to mention having to learn the applicable law for the action itself... It seems a bit overwhelming. But I guess there's lots of pros to learning how to fly a plane while you're building it. I just don't want clients to pa the cost of my inexperience.
What do you think? What would are your greatest concerns/questions? Does it sound too good? Is it a bad idea for a new attorney to jump right into a solo-practice? What obstacles do you foresee? Bonuses? Anyone ever done anything like this? How did it go?
Any and all questions/thoughts/ideas/opinions are welcome (actually, I'm begging you guys on this one.)
I'm supposed to decide soonish.
Friday, September 14, 2007
The comment is scary, and I hope my readers can offer any advice. It says:
"I'm only 12 and am too scared too kill myself because of the effects on my mom and sister. I'm horribly depressed to the point where it's been10 months of psychology and it can't be helped. I care about the world too much and don't want to be in it anymore. What do I do, I beg anyone!"
I'm scared for her(?) - please tell her whatever you think.
Tried to make me go to rehab
One of my favorite things in the world is when all four of us siblings get together, chill out in a room, and gab. We talk about everything. Flying airplanes (Brother Helicopter is huge into flying, and demolishing, super-expensive planes and airplanes); family gossip of all kinds, who Brother Books is banging this month, analingus, and Buddha Statue stealing (family tradition - we all steal eachothers Buddha - I don't think my brother realized I ganked one of his yesterday). It's so much fun. We threaten to beat the shit out of eachother, and end up laughing about anything together.
I didn't get to see much of Mom. She threw her back out and ended up in bed pretty much the whole time I was there, waking only for work. That disappointed me, I whined and whined about how hurt I was that she didn't hang out with me =( Closest thing I got was when I stormed her room, jumped into her bed, and watched General Hospital with her.
Anyhow, I think one of the reasons Brother Helicopter wanted me to come was so that he could see how I looked, acted, etc., given my illness. Fortunately, I went to my doctor the day before I left and my medicine regime got completely changed. Now I take enough morphine every day to kill a (small) horse. This led to me feeling, actually, pretty well. I felt hardly any pain, for the first time in a long time. Except for a few vomiting episodes, I held up really well. This led Brother Helicopter to believe that I am fine. So all I heard from him was that I need to throw out my meds and "just deal." In addition to the pain scripts, I also take antidepressants, sleep aid, and a bunch of antibiotics/albuterol/cough syrup for the lovely case of bronchitis I'm trying to knock. Brother Helicopter said that the bronchitis was probably a side-effect of one of the other medications =)This doesn't bother me so much. I understand that Brother Helicopter hasn't seen me during a really bad spell; he's never had to pull me from the floor or wipe vomit from my cheeks. I was so stoked to be feeling decent while I was visiting, but on the other hand, I think my brother is now convinced that I'm a-o.k. He told me over an over again how I need to stop taking all my medications. He compared it to muscle aches he gets from work - and said, with pride, that all he ever does is apply topical muscle cream. I tried to explain that my situation is a bit different, but to no avail.
He was especially concerned about the anti-depressants. When I told him that every doctor I've seen insists that I stay on them (since my July euthanization attempt) - he told me that I haven't been suicidal since I was 13 - and I explained that I was actually 28 in July, just like I am now. Brother Helicopter is looking out for me and worries - so I'm not mad. I just feel like the direction his concern is taking is misplaced, and that sucks.
Brother Helicopter has also been trying to convince me that Daughter should go and live with him for awhile. See, our father was really, really sick when I was 11 until he died when I was 13. Daughter is 11 and Brother Helicopter fears she will have to go through the same hell we went through ... I don't know. Maybe he's right, maybe I'm being selfish in keeping her here. I love Brother Helicopter. I just wish I felt more support from him =(I don't know.
Because I really respect Brother Helicopter's opinion, I find myself thinking a lot about what he said, and it's getting into my head that maybe he's right. Maybe I need to just stop taking all of my medications and deal. Maybe I should wait til after surgery. Maybe I should at least stop the antidepressants. Maybe I should can all my pills and start smoking the ganja.
If he pays for rehab, I might go, go, go.
Thursday, September 06, 2007
It was nasty. Not so much the taste, but the texture. Ugh. You have to chew that shit for so long. I don't like it, but I think I'll try it again. Apparently, I need protein or something.
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
One flew over.
My counselors name was "Rashel" - pronounced Rochelle. I don't know why her parents spelled it like Rachel, but they did. Anyhow, "counseling" consists, essentially, of me looking at the floor and crying while Rashel tells me nothing I haven't already heard before.
Rashel: "Do you have an outlet for your feelings? Journaling maybe?"
Lex: "No. Wait, I have a blog, does that count?"
Rashel: "Does anyone read that, or is it private?"
Lex: "Well, people can read it, but not many do."
Rashel: "You should keep that up, it might help to have a place to vent."
Rashel: "Is there a church or faith-based group that you can turn to for support?"
Lex: "I'm an Atheist."
Rashel: "Oh, right, you said that during intake. So, you don't believe in God?"
Lex: For fucks sake. "No, I don't." Glancing at her computer, I notice a copy of the Serenity Prayer taped to her screen.
Rashel: "That's ok."
Rashel: "Do you ever feel hopeless?"
Lex: Isn't that why I"m in therapy? "Yeah..."
Rashel: "Do you ever feel suicidal?"
Rashel: "Can you promise not to hurt yourself?"
Lex: "I take it day by day."
Rashel: "But do you promise you will call me first, if you get those thoughts?"
Lex: I"m sorry, who are you again? "Yeah..."
Rashel: "You seem really, really down."
Lex: Grabbing another tissue. "Yeah..."
Rashel: "I want you to see the on-call Psychiatrist. Will you wait?"
Psychiatrist: "I want to try some new medications for you. I want to double your anti-depressants... And I hear you're having trouble sleeping and nightmares?"
Psychiatrist: "Ok, I want you to start taking this sleeping medication too, ok?
After I left, I got into my car and began howling. I had a handful of tissues and must have looked like a complete loony bin. Especially to the herds of high-school kids that just got out of class and were filing past me.
Is therapy supposed to make you feel worse?
Monday, September 03, 2007
Anyhow, 15 randoms:
- On Saturday, Step-Son and Fiance's Mom spent the night. It was awesome, but way too short. Step-Son was only here for about 24 hours. Just long enough to realize how much I miss him =(
- When Step-Son left on Sunday, I started crying like a five year-old. Daughter held me tight and we cried together for awhile. That helps. I told Daughter not to worry, that I always cry when her brother leaves. But Daughter usually goes with Fiance to drop him off so Daughter never sees my wallowing. After learning I get all teary about it, Daughter swore she would stay with me every time her brother went home from now on. I tried to talk her out of this, but she insists. She's such a good kid.
- My sister was supposed to move here next month. Now, she's not. This bums me out, for purely selfish reasons. Boo.
- Speaking of Boo, we have a stray-cat (we call him Boo) that's been coming around non-stop. Daughter has been on me 24/7 to take this thing in, but we already have two cats and I'm not about to take on another financial responsibility. All I hear is how sad and lonely he is, and how badly he wants a home and people to love him. I'm not falling for it. It's bad enough that we give him water. We need to call a cat rescue to come get Boo, but someone told me they put cats to sleep at rescues (can anyone verify?) I thought they only did that at the pound? Because, if they are putting 'em down, they really shouldn't be allowed to call that a "rescue"...
- Oh man, I want to see Super Bad. Super bad. I love that kid that played George Michael on Arrested Development.
- I am so super-fucking sick of drama and negativity. Why do people fight the most with the very people they love the most?
- I am sickly addicted to the FX show Damages.
- Due to #15, it's been far too long since I got laid.
- Far too long.
- Daughter came home from school recently and told me, with urgency, that she needed to talk to me. It began with "I want to tell you something before you hear it from somebody else..." Oh God, I thought, this is going to suck. "Did you get in trouble at school?" I asked. "Not yet... but I might tomorrow." She was nervous. Turns out, some boy at school was calling Daughter and her friends mean names, including 'whore.' In retaliation, Daughter called him a "Man-Whore" and they all got sent to the Respect and Responsibility Room (in the old days, it would be detention. These days, they get all the kids together and try to work it out.) I had to try SO hard not to laugh my ass off about this. The little man-whore probably deserved that shit. Apparently, one of Daughter's friends told her that when a boy calls you a whore, you're supposed to call him a man-whore. I decided this is not the age to inform her that it's cool for boys to be whores.
- Went to my new surgeon last Thursday. He's going on vacation for three weeks... He had absolutely no idea about my case, although I had been told he was briefed. I don't like him. He has a serious Russian accent. Sounds like the guy from Rocky IV. But that's not the reason I don't like him. (That last piece of info is for 'Busto's benefit ;)
- My mom was here in mid-July. She got really sick. I thought she was faking, until everyone else in the apartment got sick within the next week. I still have a really bad cough. Throwing up blood. Gross. I'm thinking maybe my cold developed into Bronchitis. I read online that there's not much to do, just sit back and wait for it to pass.
- My computer has been freaking out. Randomly closing the browser, hanging up for a long ass time... Hm. Wish I knew something about computers. Other than that they seem pretty complicated.
- My kitchen smells like bacon, which no one has cooked here in a long time. (No kind of pork, for that matter - so what the hell is that?)
- I'm super-tired. Probably due to #12.
That's pretty much all I can think of. My life is kinda boring lately.