I'm in a crappy mood today. I attribute this mostly to post-bar blues, particularly the hell that was the MBE. I'm at work, but not working. Reading anything I can in order to not work. I read about the death of a young chess prodigy. Some guy fell out of another rollercoaster. Leonardo DiCaprio may or may not have reunited with Gizelle Bunchen. Baby Suri probably doesn't exist. Californians can't take the heat. California morgues can't take the capacity of those that can't take the heat. Lance Bass is gay.
I'm also pretty pissed off because Ex-Husband is a jerk. He called today re: the details of switching off Daughter from her summer vacation. I tinkered the plan, as he did on the initial switch, and he got completely pissed off and hung up on me. He's a dick.
My old landlord still hasn't told me how much (if any) of my $1,000 deposit he is going to give back. He said a large part of the house needs new carpet and he plans to make me pay for it if "the best cleaners in town" can't get the stains out. So, likely, he will keep my $1,000 and then bill me for the same. He's a dick.
My new landlord still hasn't fixed my ice-maker. I should probably call again and ask what the deal is - I'm guessing the work order got lost, but I hate calling maintenance.
*sigh*
Useless Lex today. I'm depressed. Maybe I should start taking some Zac or something.
Well, I got through the bar (again.) This time, I know I did better on the essay part, which I bombed last time. But the MBE - the MBE seemed way harder this time around. A friend taking the California bar expressed a similiar complaint - soooo many mortgage questions. And the MBE ConLaw questions seemed harder this time too.
I was sick throughout the entire exam. In the bathroom, vomitting, so medicated that I thought my head would fall off. I'm not feeling good about the result. I was hoping to leave the exam "knowing" I passed - but I left feeling like I likely failed again. Now there's just the sitting back and waiting months and months for results.
Worst part is that, even if I fail again, I need a raise. I can't really live off of my current salary for more than a few months and am worried about how I am going to make this happen if I failed again. It's gotta be hard to find a new legal job in the face of failing the bar... twice. The shitty part is I know I am worth more than the 48k The Boss pays me. I do all the work of a regular attorney, I just suffer from the problem of not being an actual attorney. Egad.
So the bar is coming. I'm convinced I will fail again. I haven't been well, and I've been taking more medication than a cancer patient. I can't think straight, I can't keep information in my head...I read sample answers and they make no sense to me. It's awful.
The worst thing is I know that I know more than I did when I missed the bar last time by only 20 points. I know I have studied more, I know I understand more. But I can't shake the feeling that I am in no position to take this exam come Tuesday.
It's an awful, terrible, gutwrenching feeling. It makes me feel sicker than I already am.
I moved into my new apartment this past weekend. Tip to future bar exam takers: don't move a week before the bar exam. I am indescribably exhausted and the whole ordeal made me feel much worse physically than usual. Yesterday, I was doing last minute cleaning in the old house, scrambling to get everything taken care of before the realtor came in for a final walk-through. Trying to clean a counter, I fell over, clutching my stomach, and started wailing like a baby because it hurt so bad. Boyfriend found me, threw me in the car, and rushed me to the hospital. I'm not doing so good.
I'm at work today. I was supposed to get the last two weeks off before the bar, and I get a call Friday telling me I have a motion due this week. Cheese and rice. But I couldn't say no, The Boss is out of state and I can't hit a gift horse in the mouth. Plus, he doesn't know it, but he's paying for my hotel next week while I take the bar. Office Manager went ahead and authorized it - which is good because I was beginning to think I would end up spending the night at rest stops. Yucky, yucky rest stops.
Sorry for lack of regular posting. I have so much going on with the move, the bar and the bad health. I want to have my gallbladder, appendix, tonsils, ovaries, spleen... all the shit you don't need, removed. I figure if it all gets taken out, there's a chance I'll solve this problem. And it's just becoming too much of a problem.
I've been getting mixed feedback at work. On the one hand, Office Manager and Front Secretary have repeatedly told me that The Boss really, really likes my work product. Over the past months, I've written numerous pre-trial, trial, and post-trial motions. And everyone, second-hand, tells me The Boss is really impressed.
But when The Boss talks to me about my work it's always "Show me your best effort" and "Make this the best it can be." When hearing it from The Boss, I feel like my work is substandard. When I'm hearing it from others, I feel like a rock star.
My theory is that The Boss doesn't want to bloat my ego or give me grounds for demanding a significant raise once I finally pass the bar. But, still, I think I would be a happier/less stressed out/ more productive worker if The Boss threw down some positivity.
Sorry for the lack of posting, I've been feeling awful. I'm moving tomorrow to my new apartment and will be without internet (egad) until sometime next week. See ya'll then.
Phoenix Rain, Work Pain and... Questionable Suicide?
I walked out to my car this morning wearing a v-neck, sleaveless shirt only to discover it was raining. Still being hot, I didn't bother going back inside to change.
I was planning to come to work today and study for tomorrow's practice bar, but instead I had a pile of work on my desk. Blah. I hate doing large-scale case review. Reading 15 depositions in a day is boring. It could be worse, I could be fumbling through three feet of medical records, as New Paralegal is damned to spend her next two weeks doing. At least there are the bits of humor in depositions when The Boss talks shit in a friendly way. That's really the most entertaining way to talk shit.
In other news, I know they're saying heart attack - but is there any chance Kenny Boy did himself in?
I am slated to sit for a "Practice Bar" this Thursday and Friday. The problem is, I'm still a week behind on my lease program so I haven't covered Corporations, Torts or Community Propery. Torts I'm fine with, that's basically what I do for a living. Community Property I'm half fine with. Getting a divorce makes you see what you have to lose and hammers that shit in your head better than any hypo ever could. But Corporations, that's the thing that killed me the first time around... I think I got one point on my Corporations essay during "AZ Bar Part I: Lex's Lesson in Humility."
Also, I have been hitting really low scores on my practice MBEs. Maybe this is because I've been doing the "advanced drills" and you are supposed to suck at those, but it's not helping my self-esteem.
So I am left feeling that I am going to do really bad on this practice test and that is going to kill my confidence for the real bar. Part of me thinks I should skip the practice bar, but the bigger part of me says to go and get my ass slammed so that I'll hammer down hardcore for the final two weeks of prep.
