Exact Approximations

Friday, October 26, 2007

Hanging In

Had surgery Tuesday. Got out of the hospital yesterday. I'm still painfully recovering - using a walker, rockin' knotted hair, no make-up, and needing assistance with basic activities. But the worst has passed. Because there's still a bunch of soreness and all over pain from undergoing the procedure itself, I can't tell if it worked yet. I should have a better idea in a week or two.

If I remember and still want to, I'll post more about it later. Too tired right now. Just wanted to spread the word that surgery is officially in the past.

Hope all is well with everyone else in the blogosphere this week.

P.S. - I got a pretty entertaining comment on my last post, The One Where Lex is a Nutbar.


Thursday, October 11, 2007

Her light eyes were dancing, she is insane.

After my recent onslaught of insanity dreams, I started hearing weird voices. Mostly the voices of characters in my dreams. As this was getting out of control, I went and saw a psychiatrist yesterday.

Psychiatrist sits me down and starts asking all kinds of questions about my childhood, parents, drugs, birth injuries and flah flah flah. I answer. Whatever, none of it's news anymore. Towards the end of the session, we finally get to the dreams. I give Psychiatrist some examples of the dreams, and she sits back in her chair and says "wow" a lot. I told her about one dream and she said she had never heard of such things before... That was weird. How long did this chick go to school?

I got a diagnonsense.

Mild schizophrenia.

I'm supposed to take anti-psychotics.

I don't want to.

I knew I was a little off, but never thought I was, like, crazy crazy.

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Friday, October 05, 2007

Going Crazy

Ok... I have been having crazy-insane dreams. Maybe dreams. I can't tell anymore.

Basically, these dreams consist of me traveling to other places/times and interfering with the actions of those in the other locations. For instance, I had this dream yesterday afternoon that I went on vacation, to a little town where I stayed at one of those hostile places, where you rent a room from a family. I show up to the place I'm renting my room from, meet the lady that runs the place and her son (a very gifted piano player). Exhausted, I head off to bed. I fall asleep. I dream. I call this, for clarity's sake "the dream within a dream" part. Anyhow, in the dream within a dream, I dream that I am out and about in the little town and start to see awful things happening. Lots of players, and the dream ends in the Piano Boy's death. I wake up from the dream, go downstairs to the common area, find paper, and start drawing everything I remember dreaming about. Hostile Lady walks by, looking at my drawings over my shoulder. She recognizes people. I have no idea who they are. Hostile Lady tells me that this is her daughter, her husband, the local barber, and so on - while pointing out the people in my drawings. I take her aside, away from Piano Son and tell her what happened in my dream. She looks stunned because she recognizes everyone and some things I'm talking about. I also go out to the town and speak to her husband, the barber and some others who I've forgotten since the dream. Anyhow, I tell these people what happened in my dream, then they change their actions and the terrible ending in my dream within a dream ends up not happening in the little town. I wake up. Confused. But feeling like I've accomplished something.

I've also been having repeating dreams, the same dream over and over again. Last night/this morning, I dreamt that I was on this strange alien planet... there was some sort of war going on. I don't know anyone in this dream. I find myself figuring out how their flying ships and various James Bond-esque gadgets work. I wake up (in *real* life). Later, I go back to sleep. The dream starts over. I'm going through almost the same events, except this time, I understand the machines and gadgets a bit better, and am able to avoid some awful situations I encountered the first time I had the dream. This last time I dreamt about it, some thing (not a person, but not your typical alien) - managed to secretly get me blueprints for the flying device I keep finding myself in, and try to start understanding how to operate it better. I seriously believe I will have the dream again and understand will things even better.

Another instance - I had a dream that lasted over the course of 3 nights. On the first night, these crazy aliens (again, not the typical aliens we all see pictures of), come to Earth. Their purpose is to destroy all humans. They start this venture by creating major climactic changes, which result in flooding, torrential downpours, mudslides, etc. Night 1: all this starts happening and, by myself, I flee to safe ground after going through terrible and frightening obstacles, going back, retracing my steps, all until I find a safe place. Night 2: Dream picks up where it left off, now my mission is to go back to where I began, and give groups of people the safe-route directions to the safe place. Night 3: Dream picks up where it left off. Now, together with the people that followed my directions, we all find larger groups of surviving humans who are trying to come up with a plan to fight back. Intricate details, traveling throughout the planet, spying on the aliens' activities... I never went back there in dream land.

So, this has all been going on for 2-3 weeks. It's freaking me out. I wake up not sure where I'm at. People, creatures, characters etc in my dreams are telling me to do things in real life. I honestly find myself believing that these things are seriously happening (I especially feel that way for the first 3-4 hours after I wake).

Yeah, so, I don't know. It's freaking me out. And I really think I'm losing it sometimes. One friend had some interesting thoughts on the topic... But mostly, everyone reassures me that I "know" these things aren't real. I explain that I honestly don't know for certain that these things aren't real anymore.

What does anyone think? Should I get my head checked? Most importantly, has anyone else had similar experiences? Message me with any and all thoughts - no matter how weird you think they might be. Trust me, I won't think you're crazy. I'm desperate.

Monday, October 01, 2007

Prepartum Depression

I suffer from raging baby fever. My surgery date is set - October 23! I go in Wednesday for a pre-op appointment so they can get me in sooner if something opens up.

Since I'm not having a hysterectomy anymore, and the new procedure might allow fertility for a couple more years, (before I have the eventual hysterectomy I'll need) - all I can think about is having another baby while I actually may still be able to. Since I had already dealt with never being able to have more children before, when I was going to have a hysterectomy, I think the newfound possibility makes the fantasies stronger and more pervasive. A sense of urgency.

So I started figuring that if: surgery goes well, I start working again, and we get caught up in bills - I wanted to try for another baby. The thought makes me happy, just imagining. Going through the experience with the other person, and not having to be 16, alone, poor, guilty, and scared shitless.

No one else seems stoked. Fiance looked at me like I was insane when I brought it up. In fairness, I have been thinking about it for awhile and presented it to him like this: "So, here's what I'm thinking, after I have surgery and start working, we're gonna try for another kid." He's all for the idea of going through physical requirements of trying, but not so much of reaching the pregnancy goal. Also, I didn't really give him time to think, then I got all stupid-chick-emotional-butt-hurt when he wasn't jumping up and down with excitement... After a bit, he said that when things stabilize, he's open to the idea. I remained a little stupid-chick-emotional-butt-hurt, but hid it well. As all semi-intelligent insane women eventually learn to do. It's all about hiding the extra-strength crazy.

Daughter picked up on the topic through small innuendos between myself, Fiance' and Mom-In-Law (sidenote: children are far smarter than people give them credit for, they so often know what's going on and get frustrated when no one talks to them about it because they're "too young".) Anyhow, afterwards, Daughter was visibly upset. I asked her time and again what was the matter, and Daughter told me it was nothing and she was simply tired. Finally, when we laid down for bed, I got her to spill. Daughter began crying. She doesn't want me to have another child. She likes things how they are. She's afraid she won't be my favorite person anymore. As I've discussed here before, I have always had concerns that I could never love another person more than Daughter and Step-Son - even my own child. I mean, I would still love the crap out of the kid, but I do honestly wonder if I am capable of feeling that way with anyone else. When I told Daughter that her concern was ill-founded and that I will always love her bigger than the mountains. She replied, quite convinced "that's what you say now, but that changes when people have a new baby." More tears. I didn't know what to say. I reassured her that we would all be one big lovin' family, but she was inconsolable. Finally, I told her that it wasn't even something we were trying for anytime soon, it was just a thought. Who knows if I can even have more children, many doctors have told me I probably still can't, even now that I get to keep my stupid fancy uterus. We put aside the issue for now, but she still seemed worried.

So, sadly, all this made me feel like I shouldn't have another baby. I don't want to be the only one stoked about the idea. And I already had my Keep-The-Baby-Daddy kid, so that parts taken care of. Still, I want it, I daydream about it, I can't get it outta my head. I dunno. I guess I should keep my maternal fantasies to myself and turn my daydreams to getting a dog.

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