Exact Approximations

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Mad World.

There are days, becoming more and more frequent, where I want to ditch this job American Beauty style. Walk into The Boss' office, tell him it's been real nice, but that I need to re-evaluate my life and the direction I'm going. I want to go on a tirade about the symbolic nature of of being Alive and the importance of every action we take. Up until now, I've been able to do this every couple of years. This worked out really well in college - it was always 'what's the next summer job'? 'what's on next semester's class list?' 'what graduate program do I want to enter into?' And so on. Until last year, my life was a series of small markers of success that allowed me to never really get bored. There was always something new that was about to happen. Not anymore.

All around me are familiar faces. Worn out places. Worn out faces.

How many people are bored with life? Wake, wash, dress, work, repeat xs/5. Then lay around for two days dreading the coming Monday? Endless cycles of meaninglessness. How does one escape the ever-present threat of monotony that being an adult presents? Every day I come into this office, I ride the elevator with the same people. Blank looks everywhere. Meaningless paperwork waiting to be completed before moving on to the next stack. No one likes this. Everyone wants to escape. And if you don't, that's even worse.

Bright and early for the daily races. Going nowhere. Going nowhere.

I feel like I'm wasting a good portion of (what should be) my healthy years going through this cycle of working and working, yet never really getting anything accomplished. I mean, I am one of the fortunate few that goes into emotional fits over my job; I do find some solace knowing that my work has a profound effect on me. It feels better than I imagine it would feel to sit around filling out benefit administration paperwork or something really, really awful... But still, I feel like my life belongs to Client X or The Boss or Someone Else. It's not really mine anymore. I don't get to sit around and write poetry and watch the clouds pass or sing to myself quietly.

I find it hard to tell you. I find it hard to take.

I don't always feel this way. Some days are worse than others. Today sucks. I once had a friend who got fed up with life and went to work and quit that following Monday. I want that feeling. But I don't have the luxury. He probably doesn't even have that luxury anymore. I've got a family and medical bills and student loans to pay off and so I keep at it with this nine to five thing. But I don't want to. I want to sit around and drink good wine, go hiking whenever I want. Drive off to California and the beach and visit my family for weeks at a time. I want to retire at the age of 27.

Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson? Look right through me. Look right through me.

There's got to be a way to adjust. There are benefits to being a grown-up. No bedtime. No forced broccoli. No R-rating restrictions... But the trade-off sucks. For all the time I had to think on it and prepare to enter the working world, one would think I would have come up with a better way to inject meaning into the mundane. But I didn't. The practicality has even invaded my imagination. I lie in bed before I have to start getting ready and ask myself: if I had the day off to do whatever I wanted, what would I do? Then I think of something awesome, like heading to Alamere Falls... and find myself wondering 'could I get back in time to not be late tomorrow?' No, I couldn't. If I had the day off I would have to stay local. But I don't have the day off. I've gotta get my ass off to work. Same thing. All the time. Where's the meaning?

When people run in circles it's a very, very mad world.

What's the answer here folks? Do I just deal with it? How do you deal with it? I've tried the whole comparing myself to a starving African child thing, but that doesn't help. Why didn't I end up a concert pianist or a writer or follow my age 12 acting ambitions? If I had gone one of those routes, would I still be searching for meaning? If I were independently wealthy and didn't have to work, would I wonder if I needed to earn my way to the top to find happiness? Will I never be satisfied? I know that most of the people riding the elevator with me won't be. Most people's lives are a constant waiting game. What to do this weekend. What to do this Thanksgiving. What to do over the holidays. Never, 'wow, look what I'm doing RIGHT now.' Who gets to feel that way all the time? Who has the luxury of enjoying every second of their lives... Is it possible? Should it be?

16 Comments:

  • Word. :(

    By Blogger Tab Connoisseur, at 9:21 PM  

  • Lex...
    What can I say, ask your mom? ask any of your aunts? I love what I'm doing and I get to play a lot but there are days... You'll get over it.. Then on to the next thing.
    Loony Tunes Aunt

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:52 PM  

  • Ok, so I am not an aunt, but...:) Loony Tunes is correct - You will get over it...Then on to the next thing!

    It comes down to attitude. Yours! What you do with your attitude towards everything determines how you feel about everything! If you want to feel good, pick a good attitude, if you want to feel bad, pick a bad attitude. It is your choice!

    But, alas, that is uncle advise. :)

    By Blogger Crazy East Coast Uncle, at 4:37 AM  

  • Are the dreams in which youre dying the best youve ever had?

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:59 PM  

  • You need to eat a ham sandwich and shut the hell up. Them's the facts.

    By Blogger beepy, at 6:26 PM  

  • Fair enough Beepy. Fair enough...

    Nony: nope. The dreams in which I'm dying totally suck.

    By Blogger Lex Fori, at 11:48 AM  

  • You once told me that life is what you make of it, you have a job where you have an opportunity to help people who were wronged and desperately need some closure, you give them that closure, thats gotta count for something, right?

    Bf-

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:18 PM  

  • I'm only 12 and am too scared too kill myself because of the effects on my mom and sister. I'm horribly depressed to the point where it's been 10 months of psychology and it can't be helped. I care abotu the world too much and don't want to be in it anymore. What do I do, I beg anyone!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:13 PM  

  • To the 12 year-old nony.

    That's a really scary thing to say. What I do know is that I felt the same way when I was your age. But things got better.

    If you care about the word so much, just imagine how the world will look to your mom and sister if you're not in it. They will feel guilty for the rest of their lives and they won't ever be able to get over it.

    If you want someone to talk to - email me at exactapproximations@gmail.com and we can talk or exchange emails. I would like that.

    In the meantime - check out my newest post titled "Concern" - I reposted your comment and asked my readers to say what they think. Hopefully people will write something there that might help you somehow.

    Please don't do it. It's not worth it. It will hurt your loved ones more than you could even imagine.

    By Blogger Lex Fori, at 2:42 PM  

  • It's true, in this sad life we have nothing to look forward to. Ignorance is bliss. But, should we take that path of naive happiness? No. The only way to make the most out of this tedious cycle is to share your knowledge with everyone, but be thankful that you had the opportunity to improve upon yourself.
    I'm almost 18, still young, still stupid, whatever. I'm very pleased with myself, and my accomplishments at this point - but I wasn't always. When I was only 12 or so, I considered suicide just like you, and many others. But even though you may not see it, the pros outweigh the cons.
    The main things I look forward to in life are independence, and being a mother. Maybe I won't succeed, but I'm going to make use of what I have been given. Sure, it will be pointless in the end for me, but my kids or family will have a chance to enjoy what they can. I hope for the best.

    Make sure you choose wisely, because the wrong choice is permanent.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:59 AM  

  • I think you people need to forget all this "the world is a monotonic hell where everyday is the same"

    It will ruin your lives...

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:39 AM  

  • I just imagine what it's like in someone else's shoes and then I don't feel so bad. You know when they say "The grass is greener on the other side."? That's probably the way you're thinking. If you were famous and wealthy your whole life would be monitored and every action you take would have to better your own image.
    If you just think about it, life sucks for everyone, and is great for everyone. Just find the things about your own life that perhaps someone else might envy.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:02 PM  

  • wow. I just graduated college at 22 and completely understand 100% of what you are talking about. I loved marching band and any music I could play on my trumpet and guitar. I went to a small college in my town and didn't do any music at all. Now that I have graduated, I do not want to sit in a cubicle all day. It scares me badly. I want to play music however that doesn't pay the bills :( seems like we are doomed to pay bills. We aren't allowed to break away. Bills are a part of life and to pay them, you have to work. No time for artistic expression because that doesn't pay bills. What am I supposed to do at 22 to make sure i dont say "i wish i had" when i'm 50.

    By Blogger Brad, at 11:29 PM  

  • there is one simple way to get over being depressed about "what if" or i wish i could do this or i wish i could escape this place and go there... YOU must realize. that YOU must focus your mind on the present. the past has already happened and the future doesnt exsist. u must live to the fullest. NOW! not eventualy.. not wish to do what you want.. BUT DO IT. then and only then will u be free from the never ending cycle of your daily boring routines. you dont know that you`ll live to be old so dont act like it. live like you had one day left to live. trust me. u dont have to necissarily quite ur job or something extreme. but takes chances and risks. try things u`ve never done.. u`ll be more happier than u`ve ever been.

    By Anonymous FINN, at 7:15 PM  

  • jusr get over it dude.

    By Anonymous bewitched, at 10:40 AM  

  • Everyone needs to find some inspiration to keep going :D

    By Anonymous chamilia, at 8:17 PM  

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