Exact Approximations

Friday, September 14, 2007

Tried to make me go to rehab

Today I came home from a 6-day visit to Crapsville, California. Brother Electrician - well, both brothers are electricians... so I guess I'll go with Brother Helicopter and Brother Books. Anyhow, Brother Helicopter bought me a Greyhound ticket. I spent the whole time with my brothers, sister, niece and nephews, and Mom and Step-Dad. Didn't check in with any old friends. It was great.

One of my favorite things in the world is when all four of us siblings get together, chill out in a room, and gab. We talk about everything. Flying airplanes (Brother Helicopter is huge into flying, and demolishing, super-expensive planes and airplanes); family gossip of all kinds, who Brother Books is banging this month, analingus, and Buddha Statue stealing (family tradition - we all steal eachothers Buddha - I don't think my brother realized I ganked one of his yesterday). It's so much fun. We threaten to beat the shit out of eachother, and end up laughing about anything together.

I didn't get to see much of Mom. She threw her back out and ended up in bed pretty much the whole time I was there, waking only for work. That disappointed me, I whined and whined about how hurt I was that she didn't hang out with me =( Closest thing I got was when I stormed her room, jumped into her bed, and watched General Hospital with her.

Anyhow, I think one of the reasons Brother Helicopter wanted me to come was so that he could see how I looked, acted, etc., given my illness. Fortunately, I went to my doctor the day before I left and my medicine regime got completely changed. Now I take enough morphine every day to kill a (small) horse. This led to me feeling, actually, pretty well. I felt hardly any pain, for the first time in a long time. Except for a few vomiting episodes, I held up really well. This led Brother Helicopter to believe that I am fine. So all I heard from him was that I need to throw out my meds and "just deal." In addition to the pain scripts, I also take antidepressants, sleep aid, and a bunch of antibiotics/albuterol/cough syrup for the lovely case of bronchitis I'm trying to knock. Brother Helicopter said that the bronchitis was probably a side-effect of one of the other medications =)This doesn't bother me so much. I understand that Brother Helicopter hasn't seen me during a really bad spell; he's never had to pull me from the floor or wipe vomit from my cheeks. I was so stoked to be feeling decent while I was visiting, but on the other hand, I think my brother is now convinced that I'm a-o.k. He told me over an over again how I need to stop taking all my medications. He compared it to muscle aches he gets from work - and said, with pride, that all he ever does is apply topical muscle cream. I tried to explain that my situation is a bit different, but to no avail.

He was especially concerned about the anti-depressants. When I told him that every doctor I've seen insists that I stay on them (since my July euthanization attempt) - he told me that I haven't been suicidal since I was 13 - and I explained that I was actually 28 in July, just like I am now. Brother Helicopter is looking out for me and worries - so I'm not mad. I just feel like the direction his concern is taking is misplaced, and that sucks.

Brother Helicopter has also been trying to convince me that Daughter should go and live with him for awhile. See, our father was really, really sick when I was 11 until he died when I was 13. Daughter is 11 and Brother Helicopter fears she will have to go through the same hell we went through ... I don't know. Maybe he's right, maybe I'm being selfish in keeping her here. I love Brother Helicopter. I just wish I felt more support from him =(I don't know.

Because I really respect Brother Helicopter's opinion, I find myself thinking a lot about what he said, and it's getting into my head that maybe he's right. Maybe I need to just stop taking all of my medications and deal. Maybe I should wait til after surgery. Maybe I should at least stop the antidepressants. Maybe I should can all my pills and start smoking the ganja.

If he pays for rehab, I might go, go, go.

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2 Comments:

  • Mom - you can't leave Daughter's real name on the blog, silly-willy. I'm reposting an edited version. See below:

    The Mom said: "Hey there, what are you nuts? Do you not remeber how you were feeling before the antidepressants. Do you also not remember how you were feeling before the morphine. Sometimes people fail to recognize a problem cuz they don't know how to fix it. There is a big difference between some muscle pain and the pain you have been experiencing. As for letting (Daughter) go over there, wrong! Of course, I am speaking as her grandmother that usually gets to see her every weekend. I would miss that a lot if she were to go over there. Besides I don't think (Daughter) would like that idea cuz she still worries about you and letting her go over there would not change that except she would be homesick as well as worring about you. Sorry about my comments being so hard. I worry about you and I saw you before the antidepressants and heard the cries of depression and thoughts of suicide. Sometimes people are totally against medication cuz after all they don't need any. Hopefully things will stay that way but I am sure if you could you would rather be off all your meds and working. For now that's not possible so just take things one day at a time for now and don't try analying everything. I love you, Your opinionated, Mom"

    By Blogger Lex Fori, at 2:34 PM  

  • Personally, I am a pill hater. So I can see where BH is coming from. But to each his own, especially when it comes to pain, your the only one who knows how bad that shit hurts...
    But I also know that its just as easy to gain a dependence on medication, as it is anything else. So its kinda scary. But once you get the surgery you need, you'll be fine..fingers crossed.

    AND YEA!! ARE YOU HIGH!! YOU CANT TAKE MY SIDEKICK AWAY!!!
    No dice...I will steal her so you can't take her. Or she can stay with me!! LOL...

    By Anonymous Sadie, at 6:03 PM  

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