American Idol

I am a bad friend. Judgment assignor. Resentment harborer. Acceptance resister. All around bad friend.

My favorite person in law school was a girl I will call Environmental Fundamentalist (EF). EF was assigned to my Mod (small group of 25ish law students during 1L that have all their classes together). EF has a last name similar to mine, so we had side-by-side lockers. EF rode the same bus route as me. EF had the same laptop model as me (Fuck Macs). EF actually lived in a trailer-trash town right next to where I grew up in Crapsville, California. EF was idealistic, outspoken, and liberal like none I had ever known. I was awestruck by her presence, it shot out five feet in front of her.

In class, EF was always the person to raise her hand and bring up the "Social Justice" angle. She would argue with professors. She spoke up so often that people surrounding her never got called on. She was my Socratic Shield. Brilliant and persuasive, she refused to bend on anything she believed in but conceded logical positions, right before making them support her argument. She wanted to stop global warming, the west group's monopoly, and wage equality for all. She wanted to save the world and I believed she just might do it.

EF gave me something I really, really needed in my life. I was jaded. Republicans ruled. The war had begun. Poor were getting poorer. Etcetera ad naseum. But EF never lost sight of the revolution. She had passion and motivation. She saw the potential of this world with a beautiful imagination that falls victim to most people's childhood.

And she stayed that way. One after another, I saw person after person transform during those three years. A sea of metamorphosis: people wanting to change the world evolving into people letting the world change them. Funny how law school does that. But EF never changed. EF held her values. EF was a Rockstar and landed a Rockstar clerkship.

I haven't talked to EF in months. Before that, EF was having trouble finding a post-clerkship 'good guy' job that would pay enough for credit debt, student loans, and generally keeping afloat. I understood the sentiment. When I last emailed her, I asked whether she had 'sold out' to a defense firm for a ton of cash. When she hit reply, EF told me that she had.

It destroyed me. I actually, literally, physically and furiously cried over someone else's career choice. Makes no sense. There are lots of people in law school who went to defense firms and I never held it against them. There are lots of people who would consider my field to be selfish ambulance-chasing, and they don't (vocally) hold it against me (fuck them, they're wrong anyhow).

So why did/do I hold it against EF? My initial feeling was, 'hey, I'm struggling, I'm broke, I had to consolidate my credit cards, I have to deal with a negative rating - but I'm not doing defense work for the corporations I talked shit about with you for three years.' But I would if I had to. If The Boss fired me and BigLaw called and said "Hey Lex, we'll triple it," I would strongly consider the offer. I would look at my loan statements and my daughter and my car payment and say "wow - maybe I could justify this." Maybe.

But I didn't think she ever would. I didn't think she ever could. And ever since she told me she did, I haven't contacted her.

I know I'm wrong. Her life is not my decision. And it's not like she suddenly wants to kill the world. Fundamentally, I understand the financial reasons behind her decision. It just feels like something died that day. But I can't hold anybody else responsible for the death of my idealism. And it makes even less sense to distance myself from someone who shares my political/social/christians-are-idiots beliefs more than almost anyone else I have ever known.

So now what do I do? I miss EF. I miss EF's reassurance and silly voice and stories about pretentious people doing pretentious people things. I miss having someone my age, a smart woman to talk to. So how do I fix it? Do I say "Oh yeah, I totally held this shit against you." That can't be right. But it's the truth. I can't tell her I was too busy working, or too sick, or too anything. Given the length of time since I've contacted her, she has to know that my reason is related to our dynamic.

I'm an asshole. I feel like a jerk for standing on a high horse dictating how she should live her life. And yet, even knowing that, part of me still feels betrayed. She was the girl who believed we could fix it all, and I believed in the purity of her belief. The strength of her beliefs further justified everything I felt was right. But I shouldn't need that, my beliefs should stand on their own. And I shouldn't require something from one friend that I would never demand from another. Nor should I hold something against her that I would do myself if I felt helpless.

So how do I fix it? Do I just say "Hey, I judged you and I'm sorry." "Hey, (insert bullshit excuse)." "Hey, I was a little freaked out about your job but maybe you can take me out for a really fancy dinner next time I'm in town." "Hey, you're a great girl working for a bad guy and you're super-lucky we don't work in the same jurisdiction or area of law 'cuz I would so totally kick your ass if only I had passed the bar."

What do I do folks? I want my friend back.