Come Down Now, They'll Say.

I am madly, deeply, falling over myself In Love. Some days you get caught up in practical details of life. This day I am caught up in love. I have long pondered writing a post similar to The Story of My Father,describing the insanity rollercoaster that is the History of Boyfriend. But that story might be a little much for even this blog - there are many players, emotions and events. I think the whole story, as I see it, would push my self-imposed boundaries of the privacy or others, including Boyfriend. Instead, I am going with a top-ten list. The top ten song-lyrics, movie-lines and poetry quotes that remind me of Boyfriend and various happenings in our relationship. It's mostly gushy, and it's mostly for you, My Love.

Everyone else, you had fair warning.

10. "The past is gone but something might be found." (Gin Blossoms, Hey Jealousy)

When I met Boyfriend, he was a rollerblader. Big Time. I have a picture of him jumping over a huge bush with long hair and a young face. He and his 'friend group' were referred to as the "Chariots of Wind" by me and my 'friend group.' Completely infatuated, I immediately began going to the skating rink every weekend. During our first round of dating, we were at the rink one Friday night and this song came on. Crystal clear memory of snuggling my 14 year-old head into Boyfriend's chest as he sang in my ear. "You were the best I ever had."

The song has always, always reminded me of him. And the rink. And the rink tag-game that Boyfriend and all the Chariots of Wind always won. And slow skates. Ah, the slowskate...

9. "She wore scarlet begonias tucked into her curls. I knew right away she was not like other girls." (Sublime, Scarlet Begonias)

Boyfriend says this song has always reminded him of me. I love to wear flowers in my hair. I'd like to do it more often. I wish it were work appropriate. Damned lawyers.

I met Boyfriend when I was in the ninth grade; he was friends with a classmate in my geometry class. He remembers me sitting on a rail by the classroom. I remember bright green eyes staring at me through a window. Boyfriend insisted that his friend introduce us. From the moment we met, Boyfriend knew without asking that I was into the blues.

8. "Unfulfilled hopes gather hatred and pain. Expect more out of life, and Life you will gain." (Boyfriend, Expect)

This was part of a poem Boyfriend wrote me when I was 16. He talked a lot about the power of expectation when we were young. It was the most powerful advice I ever received. Ever since, I held tight to the philosophy that when you want something, believe you will have it, know it is yours and most importantly, know you are capable of your Life. It is the philosophy that made me a Mother, got me out of Crapsville, into Berkeley, into law school and ultimately, back to Boyfriend. Even when he himself forgot that he once had such Great Expectations.

7. "The success is not mine, the failure is not mine, but the two together make me." -Estella (Charles Dickens, Great Expectations)

I read Great Expectations when I was six years old. I don't know how much I understood. But that book, and even the movie, remind me of Boyfriend. In Berkeley, I kept a framed picture of Boyfriend, sitting on a copy of Great Expectations, which in turn sat on my piano. In his life, particularly during his absence from mine, he engaged in self-destruction. In fairness, a great deal was reactionary to severe betrayal he experienced in his childhood. Before finding the strength to face himself, Boyfriend had periods of hopeless, nearly irreparable, darkness. I have seen the best of him; I have seen the worst of him. And I know, over all, this is a man for which I will always hold the greatest of expectations. Take nothing on its looks, take everything on evidence. There is no better rule.

6. "I'm thinking of what Sarah said. That love is watching someone die."(Death Cab for Cutie, What Sarah Said)

When I moved to Arizona in July of 2005, Boyfriend became terribly ill shortly thereafter. He had a history of stomach problems which required a series of hospitalizations over the previous ten years. At the hospital, I stayed by him - crying, hoping, willing, that he would get better. But part of me thought he wouldn't. Part of me thought he was going to die. If not that day, then the next day, or month, or year. Soon. He was fragile. I remember thinking his ill health would mean he would be gone. Soon. In the antiseptic hospital I watched him sleep, damning the universe for reuniting me with My Love only to taunt me by taking him away again. I was briefly convinced. But I realized that even if I lost him it would have been worth it. It would be enough to have loved like that, to know it exists. I knew it could carry me through life. Alone. For our Daughter - if it had to be.

His was a truth I would rather lose. Than to have never lain beside at all.

5. Pachebel, Canon

The beauty of this classical song was introduced to me by an old friend at a young age. Again, always reminded me of Boyfriend. I imagined two star-struck lovers apart, but ultimately finding their way to happiness. Able to reflect on the moments of sadness and see the beauty in that. It was one of the first songs I learned to play on the piano.

Fuck the wedding march, I want to get married to Canon.

4. "What letter?" - Johanna Reiss (Immortal Beloved)

I left Crapsvile, California in 1999 with Daughter to attend Berkeley. I was already engaged to the man that would become Ex-Husband, but we were not moving in together for another 6 weeks, when my student family housing apartment would be ready. In the interim, I stayed at Uncle Firefighter's studio apartment in Walnut Creek, California. In my first days, I penned a letter to Boyfriend. Told him I left Crapsville, that things were different. Said I would make it easy and not let anger stand in the way of his knowing Daughter. I sent the letter and after 6 weeks, I had heard nothing. I married Ex-Husband.

Six weeks after the marriage, Boyfriend called. Coldly I told him, "I'm married." Said Ex-Husband was a great father-figure. We were happy, the perfect life in a perfect family. Without him.

I was mad at Boyfriend. I sent the letter hoping he would save me from my impending mistakes. Part of me thought he would call before Ex-Husband came. I wasn't sure about getting married, but the only way Ex-Husband could move into the family-housing apartment with me was if we were. I thought I needed someone. I wrote Boyfriend hoping we would somehow work things out, and I wouldn't marry the Boy that I liked well enough, but who never inspired the fire I felt for Boyfriend.

Boyfriend got the letter late. It was received by his girlfriend (or maybe ex-girlfriend) and the letter did not reach him for some time. Once he got it, I had tossed aside all the hopes I had put into that writing. Our tragedies did not coincide. That time.

3. "Eternally Yours." (Boyfriend, Email to Lex)

Boyfriend contacted me five years after the ill-fated letter. He sent me a short,brief email. "I have to try." When I saw it in my email box, my heart skipped eight beats. I gasped. Almost fell over. I did not open it. I walked Daughter to school and ran home. Ran fast. Read the brief note time and again. He signed it "Eternally Yours."

Eternity had passed. I hadn't seen him, hadn't heard his voice. And yet somehow, I immediately felt eternally his.

2."Was it something I said?"
"Yeah, you said 'so go.' With such disdain."
(Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Conversation Between Clementine and Joel)

I discovered I was pregnant with Boyfriend's child when I was sixteen. Two days prior, he was kicked out of my California house and my family purchased him a one-way ticket to Arizona. We made grand plans to reunite at the baby's birth. I kissed him goodbye and swore we would be together soon. A month later, I wrote him a letter, ending our relationship. I convinced myself he never loved me, that I was better without him, and begun dating one of his old friends. Strong efforts to hide how I missed him, wanted him back. I was too proud. He called when Daughter was born. "She might need a dad." I noted. "I definitely need her mom" he replied. I feigned indifference.

Nine years later, he was visiting Daughter and I in Berkeley and we were watching Eternal Sunshine together. By this point, Boyfriend had apologized to me more times than I could ever count that he did not do everything in his power to be a part of Daughter's life before. He hated himself for his weakness, and never gave any sign that there were things I had done that hurt him deeply.

Before we watched the movie, I explained how it reminded me of him and our relationship. Boy and Girl meet. Things fall apart. Girl erases Boy. Boy tries to erase Girl. Both remember the bad in the beginning. Neither can forget the beauty of the beginning by the end. And then, they try again.

When that quote, the one where he tells her that he was hurt by her disdain... When that quote played, Boyfriend turned to me. Tears. "Thank you" he whispered. It was the first time I ever acknowledged regret for something I had done in our past. It was a small step. But took us far.

1. "They will see us waving from such great heights." (Iron & Wine, Garden State Soundtrack)

This is the song I hope will frame our first dance if we marry. I first heard the song about a year and a half ago, a time when our newly rekindled love was being tested to such great heights. We faced difficulties that could have torn us apart. The day after I told Daughter that I had been in contact with her father and he wanted to meet her, Boyfriend learned that an ex-girlfriend was three months pregnant. Boyfriend was convinced we would never have a chance, that I would hold his old relationship and new child against him.

Rather, I assured him of the hope and possibility a child brings, and promised to help and be a friend during a time of uncertainty and fear. In the spring of 2005, his son was born. Boyfriend was torn between his family in California and his family in Arizona. He called me one night, crying. Lost. He wanted to be with me and Daughter, but the mother of his second child was far less capable than I of caring for a child alone. He felt he had to protect his son, and that to move to California, and begin visitation with his son, would be a disaster for his baby. The mother and her problems might destroy the boy's future. The only boy I love more than Boyfriend is Boyfriend's son. I had to agree with Boyfriend's concerns. He was torn. He did not know what to do. I did not know what to do.

The next day, Daughter asked if we could move to Arizona.

Over the past year, I have watched Boyfriend struggle as he has tried to become a better man for both his children. We have worked together, fighting for his son and their future and to overcome our own past. Until his son, I told myself that if we had it to do again, it would be different. On sheer faith I believed that we would have fought to keep Daughter with both of us, we would have fought fear. We would have won.

When his son was born, we began a Happy Battle. A journey that proved to me that we are different, more, stronger. Now. Now, I don't have to convince myself that we would do things differently. Now, I see us doing things differently.

When things work out, it is easy to find the ways that the pain was all for the best. Everything fell apart. And then everything fell together. There is beauty in the breakdown.

Boyfriend is comforting solace and my home. The children are infinite possibility and my future.

I can't describe the joy it brings to walk through this life by him.