Top Ten Week - The Happiest Moments of My Life

Apologies for the delay. I wrote this post Thursday - but with all the fun we were having at the expense of Anony San Diego - I wanted to see how long it would go. Now that things have calmed down in comment-land - I offer up a personal top ten.

The best moments of my life.

So far.

10. Acceptance letter from Berkeley. I was 19 and living in Crapsville, California. Daughter was nearly three. I was weeks away from obtaining my Associate Degree. When I discovered I was pregnant, I set my mind on getting out of that town and breaking the cycle. Education seemed the best route, but I was a high-school drop-out. I went to Continuation School--high school for problem kids. Knowing that would never get me into a decent 4 year, I went to Community College, because then I could transfer without the colleges considering my high school grades. I knew it would take time, patience and relentless determination. For a little while, I would have to live the life I wanted to escape. Everyone had said I couldn't do it - that I was risking my child's future. Many reccomended that I place Daughter for adoption. When that letter came, I knew that I had made it out of that town, and that a new chapter of our lives was beginning. Best of all, I had written it myself.

9. Reunion with Boyfriend. We had not seen eachother for nearly ten years. We had been in contact via email for almost a year and it was clear to me that he was serious about establishing a relationship with Daughter. Skeptical, I decided to fly to Arizona to get a feel for his lifestyle, committment and ability to begin the long journey. Part of me ached to see him after so many years because our recent communications left me in awe of our ability to understand one another -even after all the damage we had done. When I saw him, he wrapped his arms around me and held tight, just like the last time we had faced eachother. We stayed up late, talking, laughing, remembering and finding common groud. Less than 48 hours later, I flew back to Berkeley- taking with me the knowledge that he and Daughter would find a way past the past. In all of my other relationships, I never loved any man as purely as I had loved him. I always told myself that it was because he was my first love and only first loves and youth can create such intensity. I was wrong. My plane took off and I left Boyfriend behind, waving to welcome him back.

8. "I was wrong. And I'm sorry." I have an aunt who I respect and admire - perhaps more than anyone else I have ever known. She has lived a life full of tribulation and betrayal. She, along with my mother and other aunts and uncles, endured a childhood capable of destroying hope and happiness. She lost a child when she was just a child. Her husband betrayed her to a degree words cannot explain and yet she helped him when he fell ill and through his death. She is perhaps the most honest person I know. She faces obstacles with strength, grace and a sense of humor. And can claim victory over her misfortunes. If I even get close to becoming the woman she is, my life will have been well-worth it. When I was pregnant, she was one of the people who reccomended adoption. I remember it so clearly. We were taking a walk. She told me her concerns in a straightforward manner, and was frank about the odds being against me. I remember thinking that she was wrong, that I most certainly would beat the odds. Years later, I was visiting her. We were in her car- I was in the backseat with Daughter. She turned around and told me that she had been wrong. She did not dodge or try to defend why she had made such a dire forecast all those years ago. She simply stated that she was wrong and apologized. For every person that ever doubted me, hers had scared me the most. Aside from the self-validation, I was receiving praises from someone who "gets it." I knew I was headed in the right direction as we flew down a Los Angeles freeway.

7. Bedside Revelations. This is actually a combination of two moments of my life, but I see them as so inter-twined that they have become a single memory. I cannot think of one without the other. The first was at age 16, I was laying in bed with Boyfriend listening as he read me his poetry. We talked about life and how to best live it. Boyfriend talked about the power of Expectation. How the knowledge that you are capable of something eases the barriers of getting to one's goals. And how never setting aside determination will get you there quicker than anything else. I took that knowledge and ran with it. It got me where I am today. Ten years later, I was in Arizona, interviewing for jobs. Boyfriend was visiting me in my hotel room and we were laying in bed. His life had reached a crossroads and he was struggling with how to go about living the way he thought he should. I talked with him about Expectation, and that he was capable of acheiving his goals if he believed in himself and refused to accept defeat. It was as if he had given me so much of himself a decade before, that he forgot to save any for himself. That night, I gave some back.

6. Pumpkin Patch. After my parents split up, my brother and I initially lived with our father. Meanwhile, my mother was pursuing legal action to regain rights my father refused her. After getting a court order, my mother came to get me. It just so happened that I was on a field trip that day - visiting a pumpkin patch. I remember hearing my name, turning around, and seeing my mother standing there amongst a field of huge orange pumpkins. I was overjoyed and overwhelmed. My mother was the brightest Pumpkin of them all. (family members - pun intended)

5. Confronting God. My father's side of the family were strict Catholics, pure Irish and full of worship. My mother entertained more logical notions of spirituality. I went back and forth most of my early life. As I became older, I found myself more on the Atheist side of the boat. I could find no logical reason to believe in God, but at the same time could find no purpose for life. I went to the water and sat by the waves. I begged God to strike me dead, offering to trade the rest of my life for the knowledge that there is something greater. Nothing happened. When I walked away from the water that day, I also walked away from God. I soon realized that this life is heaven and I am eternally grateful and fortunate to be a small part of our amazing universe. Now, instead of exercising a human vanity that wants so badly to be part of everything, forever - I live my life fascinated by the beatuy that has evolved from chaos. Many seek solace by feeling a connection to everything - a way to wash over the ocean of life and become part of it all. I find solace by sitting back and feeling life wash over me. It is the only thing, spiritually, that has ever been enough.

4. "I love you mommy." We were camping at a Northern California lake and I was swimming with Daughter. She had floaties on her arms and a blow-up ring around her waist. She swam circles around me, laughing and splashing and pointing to everything she noticed. Caught up in a moment of absolute happiness that children are so much more capable of than adults - she turned to me and told me she loved me. Out of nowhere. For her to find that emotion and express it to me while she was so caught up in the moment made me feel so special and loved. I can still close my eyes and remember how she looked, the mountains behind her and the sun in her hair. A smile upon her face and a fascination with the world. Daughter has showed me what life can be.

3. After Boyfriend came back into our lives, but before we all moved in together - he used to come visit us in Berkeley for a couple of weeks every other month. During one of these visits, we went to the beach. I sat at Boyfriend's feet, listening to him play guitar and staring out across the horizon. About twenty feet ahead, Daughter began dancing to the sounds of her father's talent, spinning in circles with outstretched arms. Sounds of the ocean combined with the guitar and created a setting deserving of Daughter' s happiness. I have a picture of this outing and look at it every day

2. Boyfriend has a son from a previous relationship. Last summer, Daughter got to meet him for the first time. I will never forget the happiness I felt as Daughter oogled over her brother. As Boyfriend allowed himself to be overwhelmed with the first moment he ever had both of his children together. It was an amazing, wonderful day for all of us and I think about it all the time.

1. One evening, shortly after Daughter was born, I was watching her sleep in her crib. I found myself overwhelmed by her innocence and perfection. Her life was all possibility and promise. For the first time in my life, I saw that perfect things can exist. It was a powerful realization and has guided me through countless trying moments that can invite a person to entertain notions that of hopelessness. Whenever I find myself questioning why I continue to reach for goals even when they seem impossible, I think back to how I felt that night. It has given me more strength than any other thing in my life, and I imagine it could carry me through the rest of it.