Getting Bitched by Corporate Counsel

Just as I predicted.

Yesterday, I mentioned that I was attempting to shmooze General Counsel at Big Corporation on the advice of The Boss. General Counsel requested that all communications be memorialized. We prefer to avoid written trails. And so a telephone call was made:

Lex: "Hello Ms. Corporate Counsel. This is Lex Fori, I work at Plaintiff's Firm. I was hoping to talk with you about the email you sent yesterday regarding our office contacting Corporation's employees. We were hoping to get a better idea of Corporation's concerns so we can figure out how we might best accomodate them."

General Counsel: Robotically. "Well, I asked for an email detailing your proposed questions. That would be the best way. Once I receive that, I will review your request in light of Corporation's policies and procedures, and respond accordingly."

Lex: Substance disregarded. "Okay. So what type of concerns are we looking at here?"

General Counsel: Annoyed. "There are privacy issues."

Lex: Best empathy voice. "Ah... I see. If it would help, I could fax a release from Client's widow. We submitted one to Corporation a few months ago when we secured Client's employment files, but I am happy to forward another."

General Counsel: "That won't be necessary. As I said, write a list of specific questions. Detail the conversation we are having. Email it to me. I will review those questions and determine what steps to take."

Lex: Cheese and rice mechanical woman, an automated system could do your job. "I see. And let me just say, one of our concerns is that we would like the opportunity to just talk with people. Have a conversation. Get a sense for who Client is, how he interacted at work, how he was doing in the company, things like that. I worry that if I send a list of questions, it will be difficult to relay any follow-up I will inevitably have based on the responses."

General Counsel: Impatient. "Um-Hum. As I said, your requests need to be reviewed to make sure we comply with Corporation's policies and procedures. There are other concerns aside from your Client's privacy."

Lex: Really lady? Like what? You have got the bible of P&Ps right there, set as wallpaper on your desktop. Flip through and give me one meaningful example you drone. Let's try this again. "Right. Just so you know, this case relates medical care provided to Client before his death. There are no allegations of liability attributed to Corporation." Take that. I was conveying to her that I recognized she was attempting to gate-keep the employees of Corporation, but because the circumstances of the case did not implicate corporate liability, there was no really no law prohibiting our office from just contacting these people directly.

General Counsel: Reaching further heights of impatience and no longer able to supress her now obvious frustration with me. "Again, there are many considerations. I also need to determine who was working with your client, so I can know where to direct your inquiries. For example, it might be hard to talk with people who have held Client's job for any length of time because that position has been filled by a few different people since your Client passed. The fact is Ms. Fori, your firm is emailing Corporation's employees at their work emails and calling them on their work numbers. Given that, we would appreciate the opportunity to provide input. We have to comply with our policies and procedures."

Lex: I want to hit you as per my policy of proceeding to thump annoying people. But I was perked up by the information slip-up. It is fantastic to know that Corporation hasn't found anyone as capable as Client to fill his position. Buffs up the argument that he was an exceptionally talented asset to Corporation. Multiply the damages baby, this guy was going places. "I understand your position. I will discuss our conversation with The Boss, and take it from there. I will let you know our thoughts before we contact any of Corporation's employees through work-channels. But I am operating on the assumption that Corporation's request does not extend to conversations we might have with your employees if they are contacted outside of their work."

General Counsel: Didn't like this one bit. But knew damn well that asking us to forego outside-of-employment contact of Corporation's employees would be out of line. "Well. Under those circumstances, Corporation's employees would need to decide for themselves whether statements they make comply with our policies and procedures."

Lex: Flah flah flah. Well then, I have some home-number calls to make. "Fair enough. We will be in contact. I really appreciate the time you have taken to discuss the matter with me."

General Counse: Terse. "You are very welcome." Sarcastic. "And you have a great day."

Lex: Joining the the who-can-be-tersest competition. "I certainly will. Thanks so much, and enjoy your holiday."

General Counsel: "I certainly will."

Lex: "I certainly hope so."

General Counsel: "Don't you worry. And thank you."

Lex: "Oh no, thank you. And you have a great day."

General Counsel: "I certainly will."