Exact Approximations

Monday, May 15, 2006

Christian 1 : Lex 0

Before work, I went to get some labs done in my forever ongoing health rule-out. Some lady beat me to the sign-in sheet by 2 seconds. I put my name under hers and sat down beside her in the crowded waiting room.

Lady: "So, you getting some tests done?"

Lex: Duh. Nods head. "Yup, still trying to figure out what's wrong with me."

Lady: "Me too. It's been a long journey, but I'm a Christian, so my goal is just to follow God's will."

Lex: So you have cancer then? "Been a long journey for me too, but I'm an Atheist, so my goal is just to get really old."

Awkward silence.

Lex: "So, mind if I go in front of you then?"

Lady: "Don't think so."

Lex: "I figured it was worth a shot, probably wouldn't affect God's will or anything."

Lady: Insulted. "You know, if your goal is to live to be really old, you should give up smoking."

Lex: Impressed. "It's something I've considered, but right now I'm trying to quit gum." That was seriously the best response I could come up with.

I totally got burned by Christian lady.

posted by Lex Fori at 9:41 AM

11 Comments:

  • Yes, yes you did.

    By Blogger Arbusto, at 10:54 AM  

  • You should have asked her if god gave her cancer.
    -bf

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:08 PM  

  • I believe in the Force, when I grow up, I want to be a Jedi!

    not get cancer a Jedi does!

    Not die, a Jedi does, just fades away!

    By Blogger Crazy East Coast Uncle, at 2:31 PM  

  • But you went down fighting by quashing that God's will crap with the atheist remark. I think I might try a variation of that one the next time those damn Jehovah's Witnesses come to my door.

    By Blogger TEM, at 5:56 PM  

  • Tip for dealing with Jehovah's Witnesses or Mormon missionaries: Tell them your father/husband/wife/someone else in the house is a pastor. It might take a few times, but they'll eventually back off. It's like the hand of God comes down to shield you, and it is awesome.

    By Blogger SouthernCanadian, at 9:54 PM  

  • I prefer to give them the backhand of God!

    :)

    I want to put a sign at our front door that says, "If you knock, and want to talk about the bible, prepare to loose your faith!"

    CECA is not in agreement with me about this - too bad!

    By Blogger Crazy East Coast Uncle, at 5:52 AM  

  • Southern Canadian - I am loving this idea. Have you used it? My only concern is that the Missionaries or Witnesses would want to meet with Pastor and do some cross-denominational-God-work....

    But I have always said, Missionaries are awesome to have around if you're disabled and need someone to mow your lawn, do you dishes, dust your house. The Missionaries are useful. All I ever got from a Witness was a Watchtower.

    By Blogger Lex Fori, at 8:57 AM  

  • Since I actually am a pastor's kid, it's never been a lie. But I've frequently used that fact to my advantage, and it works every time.

    By Blogger SouthernCanadian, at 11:05 PM  

  • Oh yeah, and someone I knew in undergrad had the best button ever. It read, "Dear God - please save me from your followers." Fitting, I thought...

    By Blogger SouthernCanadian, at 11:10 PM  

  • Southerncanadian, if you can locate a place where those of us on this side of the border can find one of those buttons, I'd be forever grateful.

    You'll have to act fast, though. Bush is working on his Iron Curtain project at breakneck speed and black markets take a bit of time to set up.

    As for deflecting Mormons and Witnesses and other zealots (oh my!), I could always use an approach my dad took once. Some Witnesses came to the door and, according to my mom, he insisted on answering it. The catch was he was coming out of the shower at the time.

    There he stood, bare-ass naked and dripping wet in the doorway, commenting on how the woman looked like Carla Thomas ("you must be working on bringing the guys in"), the man looked like Sam Cooke ("you must be working on bringing the ladies in, is that how it works?"), then inviting them in for coffee.

    They left and no solicitor of any kind came to our door again as long as we lived at that address. I can't do that because, unfortunately, my current home does not have a shower head installed.

    By Blogger TEM, at 7:41 AM  

  • I have always lived on this side of the border, and I believe my friend must have found the button in either the Twin Cities (where he was from) or in Iowa (where we went to college). He's in grad school somewhere far away doing smart-people things, so I haven't talked to him in a pretty long time, but I'll have to ask him about that button - I kind of want one, too.

    By Blogger SouthernCanadian, at 6:29 AM  

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