Exact Approximations

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Lately My Whole Aim is to Maintain

I have been suffering from acute anxiety over the past few weeks. This involves waking up in the dead of the night in sweats, loss of the ability to focus and constant knots in the pit of my stomach. I'm living in a constant state of fear of things I can't control. Every morning I wake up and think to myself that this might be the day that my world will explode. It's to the point where the only time I feel even minimally calm is in the moments before I fall asleep, because I know that, for at least a few hours, my mind will be somewhere else and I won't be freaking out about my life.

I have been trying to keep this to myself. I recently regained my health and passed the bar. So I wanted to project the image that I am recovered and on my way up. I'm sick of hearing about my life issues, and am betting everyone else is too. What happened was, once I got healthy, I had to face everything I was too sick to really deal with before.

I have serious issues. First, the state still has not certified me as an attorney, as they are continuing to evaluate my character. The process has taken twice as long as it should because I have financial issues and the bar does not like it when you owe people money. I have been informed that I will likely be placed on probationary status, and have to report to the character committee throughout the course of the year regarding the medical debts. They want me to pay them off within a year, or risk losing the bar number that I don't even have yet. On top of that, more and more medical bills roll in everyday. I can't pay them right now. And because of all this, I still haven't received the raise I thought I would get months ago. I naively anticipated that I would be earning at least 50% more than what I currently make, and as a result, I am falling further and further behind every month because I planned my life around a salary I thought I would have by now (big mistake).

Even worse, it's not just medical debt. My alma mater is chasing me down for $ owed for my last month's rent and medical bills I incurred at UC Berkeley's health center. I owe money on personal loans that I should already be paying back, making me feel like total shit, because I really want those people to see me as trustworthy and dependable. And there are other things, things which have me REALLY freaked out about what might potentially happen in the coming months - but I don't think it's a good idea to blog about those things.

Every day I have been having minor panic attacks, it feels like my heart is going to fly out of my chest and I get shortness of breath. And it's getting worse every day. I constantly worry about what is going to happen. Am I going to get my bar #? Can I pay these things off in one year so the bar won't revoke my membership? Will I have wasted three years of law school and 100k in student loans to pursue a profession that might not let me practice?

In short, I am falling apart. My work is suffering. My mental health is severely suffering. I told Boyfriend this morning that I didn't know how I could take it anymore. I seriously feel like I'm about to have a nervous breakdown. I don't know what to do or how to handle everything. And that makes me feel even worse. I'm a total disastrophe at a time when I thought I would be at the top of my game.


Aaaaahhhhh. Freak out city. Anxiety.

5 Comments:

  • Dude. I feel your pain. Dammit Lex Fori we should totally kick it more often.
    I stress every damn day, about shit that may never even happen. I stress about money...even when I am chillin with a ok bank balance. I stress about shit I can't control. I stress about family. I stress about work. I can even make up shit to stress about if I don't feel my plate is full enough. Crazy.
    I'm not at the point you are, but I can totally sympathize and understand.
    I say its the burden of being the "bad ass take charge kind of chicks" that we are. You just gotta breathe. Let that shit happen, and cards fall where they may.
    Let me know if you need an ear. Perfect is crazy good about minimizing worry too...you should talk to him!!!
    Everything will be ok, Lex Fori. Everything will be ok.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:34 PM  

  • Hang in there...

    By Blogger Free as I Can Be, at 9:32 PM  

  • hey - the only thing that makes me sane is exercise. of course i don't have quite as much going on in my life as you. but have you tried jogging/hiking/doing yoga/lifting weights when you feel crazy?
    -sarah (a fellow boaltie, who is still accumulating debt instead of paying it off...)

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:57 PM  

  • Wait, how can the Bar deny your license for medical bills? Isn't that discrimination or something like that? That totally does not seem right. ADA? That seems total BS.

    By Blogger Arbusto, at 9:48 AM  

  • I was talking to some real estate friends of mine last night, (New Years) and they were telling me that medical bills don't got against you on your credit scores. They routinely have people buying houses with decent credit who happen to have wild medical bills. When they look at the total debt, they realized that when they take out the medical debt, your credit scores go up incredibly. So, for some reason, medical debt is not factored into your credit score...so...now the big question, why does the state board look at that? Or, are they really looking at that, or are they just giving you a false reason to deny you?

    It is something to look into :)

    By Blogger Crazy East Coast Uncle, at 9:46 AM  

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