Uncertainty and Sadness
Yesterday was the single worst day of my entire work-life. Of any job. Anywhere.
It involved trial preparation of clients in a MedMal case. Difficult questions, difficult discussions, and preparing for how cross-examination might be. Last night in bed I began crying. Found myself deep in dilemma about this job. How did I find myself in the small percentage of the legal field that deals with death and illness and the worst possible tragedies?
Among other things, I asked myself:
How am I supposed to feel about work that involves such emotion and pain--often the most emotional and painful experience a family has endured? Should it affect me as much as it does? Should I be able to distance myself from the emotion? If I could, is that the right thing to do? Is forgetting the emotion tantamount to forgetting what the case is about? Is it arrogant of me to be lying in bed crying about something that didn't even happen to me? What happens if we lose? These people went through years of litigation, and if it doesn't turn out well, will the whole lawsuit make their pain worse? What will it do to the healing process? And if we win, the tragedy remains? Maybe a doctor somewhere will take things more seriously from now on, but is that enough? Is one "guilty" verdict going to be enough to make me feel good about how painful the preparation process has been? Will a "not guilty" verdict destroy me? Will it destroy the clients? Am I cut out for this? Should anyone be?
I'm having a work-ethical-moral breakdown. I know in law school it's all about separating yourself and trying to be the best advocate you can for your clients, regardless of their position. I could never do that. I have always identified with clients, that was why I wanted to do plaintiffs work. So here I got my wish and I am not sure I can handle it - because I am so caught up in it.
How should it be? How should I feel? Should I find a boring transactional contracts job? Go back to employment law? Something a little more diet than the heavy, heavy area I landed in? If I did, would I find that work emotionally lacking? Does asking all these questions suggest an obvious answer?
I'm lost. And in a funk about it.
=(
It involved trial preparation of clients in a MedMal case. Difficult questions, difficult discussions, and preparing for how cross-examination might be. Last night in bed I began crying. Found myself deep in dilemma about this job. How did I find myself in the small percentage of the legal field that deals with death and illness and the worst possible tragedies?
Among other things, I asked myself:
How am I supposed to feel about work that involves such emotion and pain--often the most emotional and painful experience a family has endured? Should it affect me as much as it does? Should I be able to distance myself from the emotion? If I could, is that the right thing to do? Is forgetting the emotion tantamount to forgetting what the case is about? Is it arrogant of me to be lying in bed crying about something that didn't even happen to me? What happens if we lose? These people went through years of litigation, and if it doesn't turn out well, will the whole lawsuit make their pain worse? What will it do to the healing process? And if we win, the tragedy remains? Maybe a doctor somewhere will take things more seriously from now on, but is that enough? Is one "guilty" verdict going to be enough to make me feel good about how painful the preparation process has been? Will a "not guilty" verdict destroy me? Will it destroy the clients? Am I cut out for this? Should anyone be?
I'm having a work-ethical-moral breakdown. I know in law school it's all about separating yourself and trying to be the best advocate you can for your clients, regardless of their position. I could never do that. I have always identified with clients, that was why I wanted to do plaintiffs work. So here I got my wish and I am not sure I can handle it - because I am so caught up in it.
How should it be? How should I feel? Should I find a boring transactional contracts job? Go back to employment law? Something a little more diet than the heavy, heavy area I landed in? If I did, would I find that work emotionally lacking? Does asking all these questions suggest an obvious answer?
I'm lost. And in a funk about it.
=(
posted by Lex Fori at
10:40 AM
4 Comments:
Part of the reason you more than likely chose the field you are in, is to help people. I think losing or blocking emotions felt for cases or clients would counteract that. I wouldn't say its arrogent to let it affect you, but I would consider things that you come across happen all time, and worse. Its just the fact that its been shown to you...no doubt in detail..so its only natural to feel something.
The healing process for them, is thier own to deal with, and you can not assume responsiblity for that.
Sure if you win, it will be a good thing. But no it won't stop it from ever happening again. Think about the post you wrote the other day about the high school protesters. Did they really make a differance? Half those kids won't or can't vote. They might be a memory long gone by the people who matter. But you commeneded them regardless. Why? Because they got thier asses out there and tried.
Sometimes the fight SUCKS, and there are a million reasons to back out. But if you feel like it needs to be done, like you are doing good, then get off your soap box and listen to that Star Wars music.
As to whether or not its the right fight for you, well...your on your own on that on.
Just because you are questioning yourself, doesn't mean its all wrong for you.
Good luck, and don't let em get ya down.
By
Anonymous, at 12:17 PM
You are lucky to fall asleep crying because you have too much passion in your job. Some are worker bees that clock in and out every day and worry only about getting a bigger cube and counting the days until retirement.
If worker bee is lucky she gets a retirement party at 60 and doesn't meet her replacement drone as she is escorted out of the building on her last day. I would imagine that Fori bee would spend her golden years hating herself for every minute she spent droning away on contracts.
Having passion about your job is the best and worst of times, but that's twice as good as the alternative.
-Ryan
By
Anonymous, at 5:05 PM
I'd say that as long as you are able to be square with yourself at the end of the day, as long as you feel like you are doing more good than harm, that your job helps someone, then you're in the right profession. You'll develop coping mechanisms to channel your emotions - it happens over time. From what you've written in your blog, you have a lot of loss in your life and expressing your emotions over the losses that your clients have suffered might be either an empathy thing or it might be a way for your to express feelings you repressed long ago. (Amen't I presumptuous Internet shrink???)
By
-Ann, at 9:14 AM
I like presumptuous internet shrinks. Especially when they're writers. Even if I disagree, it's fun to hear. Your cheese theory holds some weight with me though, so be careful not to take advantage of my faith in you ;)
A Friend - thanks for the moral support. If we lose, I don't know how I will handle the knowledge that these clients will never feel a sense of justice. One thing I do think (or hope) is that even if we lose this case, this doctor will always, always, be more careful from now on. I am trying to convince myself there will be a positive change for someone, later on down the road. Someone I will never see come through these office doors. I hope, i hope.
Ryan - Thank you so much for your thoughts. You're right, I am fortunate. I see so many people going through their lives on mechanical mode and wonder how they get by. Of course, there are days when I think it might be nice to have a mindless job, house-painting maybe... and not having to deal with these emotional attachments. But I know that would never satisfy me. I agree with you - Fori Bee is much happier crying herself to sleep than flying blindly through this life.
And for the other stuff, thanks as well. I understand.
By
Lex Fori, at 6:40 PM
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