Childhood Paranoia Residuals
A police officer walked into the firm wearing full uniform. I saw him outside my door and found myself staring at his gun. Scary gun. First thing in my head is that he is here for me. Here to arrest me. I bounced a check. The RIAA wants to make an example of me. My drug dealer from ten years ago ratted on me. The UC Berkeley police came to collect the money I owe. Ex-husband filed a restraining order. Building security caught me on tape stealing a roll of toilet paper. There are more offenses, but these are the ones I am willing to blog. After all, some crimes have no SoL... I was freaking out. Getting arrested at work? Probably bad. Will cost my job. My car. My family. Everything. Here is the police officer, come to take it all away.
The officer came to serve papers on behalf of opposing counsel for a case.
My schizophrenic reaction has a 99% chance of originating in childhood.
When I was young, my household maintained a perpetual suspicion and hatred of police. When we saw a cop driving behind us, my mother and step-father would scream "Sit down, look straight, don't turn your eyes anywhere near that police car." When they came to the house to investigate complaints of drug-dealing, noise, vicious dogs - my parents went off about how terrible police were as soon as they were gone. We never called the police during an emergency. Presence of police was an emergency. The police were The Fuzz, the Five-O, Copper-Copper-Crime-Stoppers. Whatever we were calling them that year, it was beat into my head: Police are bad. Police are ready to interfere. Police are crookedy-crooked. Police won't help. Police will only look for a reason to arrest you. The police had always just arrested someone we knew.
And so it was. And, as it turns out, so it continues. Looking back, I realize a large portion of my parents' feelings on police are grounded in the fact that there was a heck of a lot of illegal activity going on when I was growing up, and so naturally most encounters were negative. Why I can't move forward on this issue is beyond me. I have not been pulled over since I got my license one year ago, but every day I think my time is coming. On a few occasions, I have been followed, and felt certain I was about to go down. No matter how legal I am, how strictly I adhere to the laws or how much I consciously recognize my biases - I can't let go. I hate police.
The officer came to serve papers on behalf of opposing counsel for a case.
My schizophrenic reaction has a 99% chance of originating in childhood.
When I was young, my household maintained a perpetual suspicion and hatred of police. When we saw a cop driving behind us, my mother and step-father would scream "Sit down, look straight, don't turn your eyes anywhere near that police car." When they came to the house to investigate complaints of drug-dealing, noise, vicious dogs - my parents went off about how terrible police were as soon as they were gone. We never called the police during an emergency. Presence of police was an emergency. The police were The Fuzz, the Five-O, Copper-Copper-Crime-Stoppers. Whatever we were calling them that year, it was beat into my head: Police are bad. Police are ready to interfere. Police are crookedy-crooked. Police won't help. Police will only look for a reason to arrest you. The police had always just arrested someone we knew.
And so it was. And, as it turns out, so it continues. Looking back, I realize a large portion of my parents' feelings on police are grounded in the fact that there was a heck of a lot of illegal activity going on when I was growing up, and so naturally most encounters were negative. Why I can't move forward on this issue is beyond me. I have not been pulled over since I got my license one year ago, but every day I think my time is coming. On a few occasions, I have been followed, and felt certain I was about to go down. No matter how legal I am, how strictly I adhere to the laws or how much I consciously recognize my biases - I can't let go. I hate police.
posted by Lex Fori at
10:29 AM
3 Comments:
yea, cops can really fuck your shit up. another reason for your schizophrenic episode: you've read too many crim law cases. but under that thinking, you really don't have to worry as long as you're not poor, black, or addicted. if you're two-out-of-three or more, i say, just turn yourself in right now. at least then you won't have to worry about shitting your pants everytime the Five-O drops in. out.
By
Christopher G. Anderson, at 6:44 PM
Seems like in your list of reasons you could have been arrested, you neglected to mention corrupting a minor and public idecency documented in your last post.
By
-Ann, at 4:39 AM
heehee -- nice observation Ann - you're absolutely right. Now I have ore erasons to be freaked out.
The crim law casebook thing probably didn't help either. Those section 1986 cases really hit home
=)
Lex
By
Lex Fori, at 5:14 PM
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