Dream Reports.

It's been awhile since I've blogged about a dream, but I haven't had any powerful enough to stick long. Until last night. I only remember this part, but that's enough:

Shocked by swirling images, blurry but familiar. Sudden recognition I have been hurt. Bad. Suffered unexpected and catastrophic injury. The images swirled faster and slower, and Daughter appeared, smiling. Behind her, a younger girl danced towards a piano. She circled on her toes, arms wide and daydreaming. Daughter again, younger. I realized I was in memory. Then knowledge of inevitable death. Panic. I didn't want to die. But I was going to. And soon. To allow final thoughts to be framed in fear seemed insulting to life and a waste of death. I decided to focus on happiness Daughter again. Everything to remember was her. Daughter sleeping. Calm. Daughter's reflection in a mirror, brushing my hair into lopsided ponytails. Lost teeth and birthday surprise and how she cried at a puppy because it was 'so beautiful.' I wasn't certain anyone remembered well enough to never let her forget. Sadness. She kissed my cheek and ran off to school.

And so it went. I was dying and wanted to accept and enjoy it. But my memories were invaded by a present fear for Daughter's future, I kept returning to uncertainty and the anxiety it caused permeated the happiness I wanted so desperately.

Upon waking, I remember hoping that when I do die, it happens without consciousness, the standard in-my-sleep wish. But that isn't what I want. What I really want is what I was going for in the dream. I hope death is the best moments of life, washing over me like calm rain. A sense of being every age, every place, every thing I had ever been, all at once. All of life in a flash, left only with a peaceful exhaustion eager for the quiet.


Hm. Maybe I better take out a life insurance policy on myself for Daughter's Father, to make sure Daughter is cared for, just in case. Wouldn't want a catastrophic injury getting in the way of things.