Sexual Hygiene + Motherly Intervention = SUPER Embarrassment
O.K., this one's personal and involves sex and humiliation. Entertaining stuff for most, but if you're related to me, you might want to skip it.
As already established, I frequent Adult Stores. I have also been really sick lately, and my mother has been here to visit twice over the past month, helping with Daughter and relentlessly keeping house. Mom cleans rooms for a living, and I am spoiled by her perfect bed-making and starching skills. Today, while I was out running errands, mom picked up my room. When I came home, she pulled me aside and asked very seriously:
"I was cleaning your room and saw a condom. Where did it come from? Who?"
Shockingly severe embarrassment. "Nothing, don't worry about it."
"Oh no, I want to know. Who? Was it Ex-Husband!?" Ex-Husband was over yesterday visiting Daughter; he and I spent time in my room 'discussing issues.' Discussing is a stretch.
"God no! Cheese and rice mom. This is awful. Let it go, I can not believe we are having this discussion."
"Tell me. Who was it?" I was so not getting out of the conversation without satisfactorily explaining myself to my mother. I felt like a teenager.
"Um... I don't think you have the right to demand such information."
Downward brows. Mom's mind was set. Bad news for Lex.
The reality that I had to answer set in, and I resigned myself. I decided to find the humor. If mom wants to get all up in my business, might as well give her all she's looking for.
"See mom, it's like this, I have these jelly-rubber toys, which are porous. Covering them with condoms minimizes absorption of bacteria, keeping toys cleaner and increasing safety. You know, there doesn't always have to boy present in order to..."
As already established, I frequent Adult Stores. I have also been really sick lately, and my mother has been here to visit twice over the past month, helping with Daughter and relentlessly keeping house. Mom cleans rooms for a living, and I am spoiled by her perfect bed-making and starching skills. Today, while I was out running errands, mom picked up my room. When I came home, she pulled me aside and asked very seriously:
"I was cleaning your room and saw a condom. Where did it come from? Who?"
Shockingly severe embarrassment. "Nothing, don't worry about it."
"Oh no, I want to know. Who? Was it Ex-Husband!?" Ex-Husband was over yesterday visiting Daughter; he and I spent time in my room 'discussing issues.' Discussing is a stretch.
"God no! Cheese and rice mom. This is awful. Let it go, I can not believe we are having this discussion."
"Tell me. Who was it?" I was so not getting out of the conversation without satisfactorily explaining myself to my mother. I felt like a teenager.
"Um... I don't think you have the right to demand such information."
Downward brows. Mom's mind was set. Bad news for Lex.
The reality that I had to answer set in, and I resigned myself. I decided to find the humor. If mom wants to get all up in my business, might as well give her all she's looking for.
"See mom, it's like this, I have these jelly-rubber toys, which are porous. Covering them with condoms minimizes absorption of bacteria, keeping toys cleaner and increasing safety. You know, there doesn't always have to boy present in order to..."
"O.K., O.k.!!" Mom walked away, quickly. I'm guessing she was off to ponder her much desired answers.
Pretty awful. But pretty funny in hindsight. So, for anyone looking for a free laugh, this one's on me. Takin' one for the team.
posted by Lex Fori at
4:39 PM
2 Comments:
Lex, when your mom was getting all up in your sexual business, did you hear the Star Wars music then too. And I have a question for you: Was it the blaring horn Star Wars Theme music from the very beginning of the movie, or was it more of the Darth Vader theme, as you described in your blog? And when you answer that question, what does that say about your mom?
By
Anonymous, at 6:24 AM
Nope - certainly no Star Wars music during this event. Thank goodness. That would be really, really weird. Like, in need of therapy weird. As for which Star Was music it is - it's the blaring beginning music usually (it varies though, some situations get Vader music, others get some mellower parts of the orchestration). I guess maybe it writes the same. My bad.
Mom asked me something about a boy the other day on the phone, then said "Nevermind, after what happened last time I was in Berkeley, I don't think I want to know."
Good call mom, good call.
By
Lex Fori, at 11:51 AM
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