Ups and Downs of Elevator Etiquette.

I do not know proper elevator etiquette. I try not to push people, but lots of large people work in my building, so every once in awhile I find myself bumping a roll. If the elevator is super-crowded, I ask someone to hit my floor's button. When Building Management made a mockery of brilliant music by playing a Norwegian Wood instrumental, I kept mum.

But this day, yes this day, I took a stand. A stand against bullshit elevator pleasantries.

I work on the 17th floor. There are two groups of elevators in the building: the first for Floors 1-10 with a second set for the higher floors. Genius idea, higher ups should never have to interact with the bottom rungers. They are more prone to body odor. Anyhow, on any given morning, there are a good 8-12 people riding together in an elevator. This morning, a super-cheery, Girl-Scout-Cookie carrying soccer mom decided to institute an uncomfortable "Greeting Upon Departure" policy amongst co-riders.

We stop at Floor 11.

"You have yourself a great day!" Elevator lady smiled and waved. Jeans and Nice CK Sweater Guy turned awkwardly to face the rest of us. "You too, I hope you have a nice...." Doors close.

Floor 12.

Exit three Microsoft employees. They offer uncomfortable smiles after receiving their "You just get through this Friday and then have yourself a great weekend!!" nicety from Overzealous Elevator Lady. By this point, another female rider began chiming along with Overzealous: "Have a great day!" I have ridden the elevator with this girl a million times, and never, ever does she offer such greetings. She is easily swayed. Young, susceptible girl. Hey look, the sky is falling! Gotcha. I really like your alligator skin boots.

Floor 13.

No exiters. "Well isn't that good luck, not stopping on 13!" Overzealous Elevator Lady laughs. Of the remaining five, four laugh along. I remain silent. I am being subjected to an elevator Happiness Coup.

Floor 14.

Alligator Girl tells everyone goodbye as though we were lovers departing at an airport. I contemplate a Miss. America Farewell wave but opt to maintain my stand against this insanity. Overzealous Elevator Lady wishes her well. The other three are chiming in. Dumbfounded, I wonder what the hell is going on.

Floor 15.

Overzealous Elevator Lady exits, throwing well-wishes that sting like dirty bombs. "Hope you have a great day!" Three respond with similar pleasantiries. Rather Quiet Lady waves, although not a Miss. America caliber wave. Two three-piece BigLaw Suits hope she has a great weekend. They don't give a shit about her weekend. They only care that they received a late minute-entry yesterday setting a conference that will interfere with an out of town event the partners had planned. I know this, because Overzealous Elevator Lady consoled them somewhere around Floor 12.

Floor 16.

Rather Quiet Lady leaves. She wishes all a really nice day. They return with happy smiles, thanks and similiar statements.

Floor 17.

Lex leaves. I say nothing. I refuse to join in this fake game of "we know and like eachother." The two BigLaw Suits remain silent. Slight head-nod as they scoot to the side, allowing my exit. BigLaw Suits offer no well-wishes, although clearly I gained mad respect for bringing normality back to elevator life.


I had a shitty day yesterday.
I didn't feel like playing this morning.
I am going to steal Alligator Girls' boots.