There's Beauty in the Breakdown

Stand behind me, Bar Exam.

Zero confidence in likelihood of successful passage. I blew the ConLaw and Corps essays. And Wills & Trusts, which used hypothetical characters of Rex, Bree, Danielle and Andrew. All I could think was that I had completely missed Sunday's Desperate Housewives. Certified Master of the Mother Fucker Situation.

The morning of Day 2 - I had a dream. I was in a hotel room, attending some conference. Paralegal was there, setting up a table. The table displayed personal items that had been collected, unbeknownst to me, by my father during his lifetime. Sentimental items he had held onto, from a second family I never knew about. Pictures of a happy family together... ticket-stubs from an outing with his daughter, wrapped in a lock of her hair.... a baseball he used to throw back and forth with his son. And a beautiful scarf worn by his wife. I felt no anger. All I could think was that I must find these people, and give them these things. I wanted them to know that my father had secretly held onto tangible portions of his memories. I woke up in a semi-haze, knowing I was about to face the MBE - yet all I could think about was my dream: "why wasn't I mad?" "why didn't I feel robbed?" "why wasn't I jealous?" "why did I want to do something for people I never knew?" It's hard to focus on Warranty Deeds after a dream like that. Yesterday, I was mad at myself for not letting go of that dream five minutes after waking up.

This morning, The Boss asked how it went and I relayed my lack of confidence. But I most certainly did not say "Oh, I totally failed, 1000%, for sure, big loser" -- lest I lose my job now rather than when results come out. Responding to his inquiries, I explained how I blew the simplest ConLaw question. He quickly asked what the "right" answer was - which I promptly provided. I was annoyed by his question. It felt like, I dunno, double jeopardy or something. I also mentioned that I was down on myself for allowing preoccupation with home issues and emotion to distract me. The Boss nodded, in apparent agreement, rather than sympathy.

Anyhow, since the exam and the dream and the talk with The Boss, I found a determination to seek the positive. Here's what I've got:

- I am really proud of myself for taking the test, despite pre-determined failure. I didn't worry myself sick or psych myself out - and I didn't vomit once the whole time I was there. Which says a lot given my recent health. And the quality of the food at the hotel. Uck.

- Yesterday (and this morning), I was upset and disappointed for allowing my personal life to interfere with focused studying. I perceived this as a very bad thing. Later, I realized that I have lived a large portion of my adult life extremely detached. I can honestly say that, for a long time, almost everything I did was intentional, calculated and specifically manipulated to reach a desired result (excluding interactions with Daughter, who has always provided a safe-place for me to feel emotions and be happy). Over the past year and a half or so, I found the ability to once again experience deep emotion in almost all areas of my life. Yesterday, I was mad at myself for forgetting how to turn my emotions off, as I had done so well for so long. Now, I feel grateful that I cannot stop thinking of Brother, all that has fallen apart and the sadness I feel over it. When you have spent a long time feeling nothing, even sadness feels kinda good. I love Brother, and I don't regret that my love occupied me more than a test.

- I view my reactions in the dream as signifying that I am on the path to being a good person who wants to do good things, even for people I don't know or who I may perceive to have wronged me. Looking back, I feel like a bigger person for how I felt in my dream. For wanting something for someone else, only because it would make those people happy. And I wanted that for them, just for them, without any need to have a benefit of my own.

Last night, Boyfriend attempted to console me. Hopelessly, as I remained distraught. I promised him I would be ok, but needed time to feel it out. And now I have.

So I failed the bar, so what? I have the love of my life. I have the perfect kid. I do work I believe in.

Three days ago, I felt like I was going to die.

Today, I feel alive.