Update: Arrested Developments
So the secretary at the firm across the hall that got hauled away in handcuffs last week is back at work. Despite diligent efforts, the gossip-buzzers failed to hammer down the precise reason for her arrest. However, there is speculation that she had outstanding warrants. Whatever she did, the Big Law bad guys allowed her back to work.
I would fire a secretary for getting arrested at the office, in the middle of the day, and in front of the big glass-walled conference room that opposing counsel just happened to be sitting on the other side of. Fired her ass in an instant for making me look bad. I wouldn't care if she were completely innocent and only arrested because she looks a little "terrorist-esque." Fired. Immediately fired. Nothing personal, just a utilitarian decision. The severance package, and its mandatory wrongful termination waiver, would be enough to help everyone get through it.
Well, unless I just settled a case I was 75% sure I was going to lose at trial. Then I would be flying so high on success endorphins that I wouldn't be able to fathom such cruel behavior. Under those circumstances, I might be amused and laughing as my secretary was being wrongfully arrested. I would photoshop her picture into one of those stupid "Wanted" posters you can have made at the county fair and tape it to the office fridge. That would definitely amuse me. Maybe the opposing counsel on the other side of that big glass wall had just agreed to dismiss Big Law's client in a case Big Law was 75% sure they would lose. That would explain it.
I'm going to go see if anyone over there wants to borrow my copy of Photoshop.
I would fire a secretary for getting arrested at the office, in the middle of the day, and in front of the big glass-walled conference room that opposing counsel just happened to be sitting on the other side of. Fired her ass in an instant for making me look bad. I wouldn't care if she were completely innocent and only arrested because she looks a little "terrorist-esque." Fired. Immediately fired. Nothing personal, just a utilitarian decision. The severance package, and its mandatory wrongful termination waiver, would be enough to help everyone get through it.
Well, unless I just settled a case I was 75% sure I was going to lose at trial. Then I would be flying so high on success endorphins that I wouldn't be able to fathom such cruel behavior. Under those circumstances, I might be amused and laughing as my secretary was being wrongfully arrested. I would photoshop her picture into one of those stupid "Wanted" posters you can have made at the county fair and tape it to the office fridge. That would definitely amuse me. Maybe the opposing counsel on the other side of that big glass wall had just agreed to dismiss Big Law's client in a case Big Law was 75% sure they would lose. That would explain it.
I'm going to go see if anyone over there wants to borrow my copy of Photoshop.
posted by Lex Fori at
12:47 PM
7 Comments:
Wow. Even if she was totally innocent and cleared of all charges, you'd still fire her? That is perhaps a tiny bit (OK, I lie, a honking ton) harsh. I can see where you're coming from, but still. What if she was the world's best secretary? Could type 200 words a minute, knew how to format and file every motion known to man AND brewed the perfect cup of coffee? Does her job performance matter at all in your firing decision?
Your whole rationale for firing her - making you look bad in front of opposing counsel - what if it was a slightly different situation. What if her friends hired a strip-o-gram to come in during work hours. Really bad judgement, but not her fault. Is that a firing offense? Or would you just photoshop her head onto a beefcake body or something? :)
I am fascinated by the calculations involved here.
By
-Ann, at 12:21 AM
Well, I suppose that if she were the worlds best secretary, she would be in the back lawyering for a partner and not up front at the reception desk. In that case, I wouldn't have the authority to terminate... so I guess that if that were the case, I wouldn't fire her =)
As for the strip-o-gram example, I actually might be more likely to fire in that situation. I disagree that it is in no way her fault. In most office work environments, employees need to make clear to their good times friends, early on in their employment, what will and will not be acceptable in the way of contact at work. If your friends do not respect your admonitions, and still do crazy stuff, I find that troublesome. The secretary should take responsibility for her friends coming in and creating a disturbance. Even I know that strippers are bad form before 9:00pm, and I love me some strippers.
Finally - I have to say that I am not totally sure I would have fired the secretary across the hall. That's exactly how I would feel, but only approximately what I would do.
Thanks for being so engaging - I really appreciate all the thoughtful comments you have posted over here.
By
Lex Fori, at 9:00 AM
Well, I'm unemployed and living with my in-laws, so I have a bit of time on my hands. :) I find your writing very amusing, so much so that I find it hard to believe that you went to law school. Where I went to school, they surgically removed the senses of humor of most applicants. Maybe that was just because they were third-tier east coast schools.
By
-Ann, at 2:56 PM
HeeHee
Well, I'm overemployed and broke. So I definitely did go to law school recently =)
But I totally know what you mean. Interestingly, the whole reason I started this blog was because, before law school, I used to write all the time -- poetry, stories, philosophical drug-induced rants. Then I went to law school and they beat me down from my adjective laden life on top of Metaphor Mountain
I think part of the reason I survived law school is because I never went. I went to Berkeley's Boalt Hall, and I remember during 1L, many of my peers were horrified with how much class I missed, and were convinced I would never make it through. By 2L year - I made it a habit of going to each class three times: the first day, the review and the final examination. I did manage to graduate, and my grades were actually pretty good. Maybe there is a research project aching to be had here...
Boalt grades anonymously, so professors have a hard time penalizing students for not showing up to class. Plus, I always found that law school professors proved more confusing than helpful - so I would just WestLaw a case and read the entire thing. 90% of the time, the insightful things the professor said in class were in the portions of the case that were omitted in the casebook... I've tried to pass that advice on to many law students and have yet to have another try it out.
Ah well, some are gluttons for punishment I suppose.
By
Lex Fori, at 3:13 PM
GEEZZZ LEX, to think, only a few months ago, you were in Bezerkley, that capital of liberal thought, but, now, that you are working long hours in that hot AZ sun it seems to have started baking in to your mind the Conservative view of work and life...my how things "seem" to have changed! Your Grandma would be proud of you wanting to fire that secretary, even if she was completely innocent! Give her a call this time, not me! For someone paranoid when the police show up, how would you feel if they took you away and you were innocent. However, when you returned, you lost that hard earned job that you have now?
CECU ;(
By
Anonymous, at 11:10 AM
HeeHee -- Oh CECU -- How I love you so. I would never accept the severance package. Wrongful termination 101. I would have a weak case, but The Boss has a strong reputation, and would likely settle it out of his hair pretty quickly.
Besides, if I did get fired, I might just go across the hall and make twice as much working for Bad Guys.
Wow - I'm taking a lot of guff for this one. I LOVE that. Again, in reality, I'm not sure this is what I would do. I'm more the type to hire someone who just got out of prison, purely because they just got out of prison and there's nothing I love more than a Fix-Someone Project. Have you not met my family?
;) Miss you CECU.
By
Lex Fori, at 11:24 AM
Ah, that's the answer then. Fire the secretary and if she's convicted, you can hire her back when she gets out. Perfect.
I've never been fired but I imagine if I was, I'd have a total meltdown and wouldn't be able to talk through the sobs. So much of my self-worth is tied up in my work, I'd feel horrible if I was fired.
By
-Ann, at 4:01 AM
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