The Secret Life of Paralegals

Today I was feeling especially sensitive to conversations among paralegals. Well, paralegals and legal secretaries; they are the same to me. Both groups, if they have decent experience, are key to a successful law firm. Never piss of a judge's law clerk and never piss off your paralegal/legal secretary. You're also never supposed to piss off your mailman, but that's off topic.

My experience is that the seasoned paralegals/legal secretaries are really just attorneys without the required license and corresponding attitude. They know all the local rules, how to format documents in accordance with those rules, the personality and best way to communicate with every important person working at the courthouse, the status of a case and anything related to procedural requirements. And they know all of this better than you.

So I was listening to paralegals today. In the hallway, elevators, out at lunch. Wherever. I work in a pretty big building complex, so they're everywhere. I find that the standard secretarial self-censorship that occurs when the attorneys are around doesn't apply to me. Maybe because I am young, or a woman or because I engage in conversation with non-attorneys.... Whatever the reason, I was fortunate enough to be exposed to some paralegal conversations today. Here are five things I overheard and found amusing:

• "I guess we could just share glasses the way old people share teeth." (One paralegal to another, discussing the speaker's need to visit the optometrist. Overheard in the hallway. 3:18pm).
• "Psht." (Paralegal's reaction to the whistling of Singing in the Rain by an attorney. Overheard in the hallway, just after whistling attorney stepped onto elevator. 10:53am)
• "I mean, I was late today too. But I made it in before four o'clock." (Paralegal discussing partner lawyer she works under. The response was a seemingly choreographed routine of 5 nodding secretary heads, clearly indicative of sympathetic understanding and agreement. Overheard in elevator. 4:15pm)
• "Has she been drinking bong water again?" (Unclear what this was about, I just crossed my fingers and hoped they weren't talking about me. Overheard in my office. 2:30p.m.)
• "It's not my fault he waited until the night before the filing deadline, it's been on the calendar for over two months. Not to mention the system generates reminders at two weeks, one week, five days, three days and the day before it is due. Always looking for someone else to point the finger at. That's why his wife left him." (Old paralegal, speaking frightening truths to a younger co-worker. Overheard in cafeteria. 1:48pm)