Free... to feel good.

After three years of separation, I am officially divorced!!!

Awesome. So Awesome.

Too good to be true?

Saturday, I had a meeting with a Private Investigator that I met at my old firm. PI Guy brought a huge case to Old Boss and was around the office a lot. We got along really well. Nice guy, middle-aged, smart (enough, but can't spell worth a crap), and he knows a ton of people. He does a lot of legal work and gives legal advice - basically pretends to be an attorney. He's been known to do clients' legal research and write their pleadings. If ever there was a person committing Unauthorized Practice, this is the guy (he's been accused 3 times, but never sued or otherwise sanctioned).

Anyhow, he calls me on Friday to pitch me some cases he's working on, and wants a lawyer to work on. Basically, he's at a stopping point on many of his cases because he can't do hearings. He had a sense of urgency - mostly because he has a forcible detainer case where PI has been helping a home-owner evict a tenant for lease breaches. The thing is, the home is technically owned by the guy's corporation, and a corporation can only be represented by an attorney or an officer of the corp (they haven't appointed officers yet, not that it matters, he's the sole owner) - so the court told him an attorney must file a Notice of Appearance before the judge will grant relief. So I go to PI's office, listen to the facts, procedural history, and current status of the case and give him some of my thoughts. Then came the mind-blowing portion of the discussion.

PI Guy wants to find an attorney, bring them on board, create an LLC, and become business partners. PI Guy will pay my dues, CLE fees, liability insurance, Westlaw access, and front all costs associated with the cases (expert fees, filing costs, law clerk salaries, everything.) I would be salaried initially (to ensure an income), and then once the business gets going (and in any event, less than 1 year), I become an equal shareholder and receive 1/2 of the profits. I get to write the employment agreement.

Obviously, my greatest concerns revolve around being able to competently represent our clients. Most cases are property law, red car/ blue car accidents, employment law, and some criminal work. I've done one case from start to finish - a straightforward car accident case where the insurance company folded and forked over the entire amount of the first demand. So my experience is light to say the least. I am not confident that I would be capable of becoming familiar with all the various areas of law in time to meet the deadlines in some of the cases (there are hearings as early as next week.) For example, in the forcible detainer case - I have no idea what to think about the fact that the corporation hasn't appointed officers yet, but already owns property (hiding assets?) -- Who would I sign the retainer agreement with? -- Would it be valid? -- These are all things I would need to figure out stat. Not to mention having to learn the applicable law for the action itself... It seems a bit overwhelming. But I guess there's lots of pros to learning how to fly a plane while you're building it. I just don't want clients to pa the cost of my inexperience.

What do you think? What would are your greatest concerns/questions? Does it sound too good? Is it a bad idea for a new attorney to jump right into a solo-practice? What obstacles do you foresee? Bonuses? Anyone ever done anything like this? How did it go?

Any and all questions/thoughts/ideas/opinions are welcome (actually, I'm begging you guys on this one.)

I'm supposed to decide soonish.

Concern

Today, I received a comment on an old post entitled Mad World. That post probably gets the most hits of all my old stuff, because people always find me when they search "Mad World meaning."

The comment is scary, and I hope my readers can offer any advice. It says:

"I'm only 12 and am too scared too kill myself because of the effects on my mom and sister. I'm horribly depressed to the point where it's been10 months of psychology and it can't be helped. I care about the world too much and don't want to be in it anymore. What do I do, I beg anyone!"

I'm scared for her(?) - please tell her whatever you think.

Tried to make me go to rehab

Today I came home from a 6-day visit to Crapsville, California. Brother Electrician - well, both brothers are electricians... so I guess I'll go with Brother Helicopter and Brother Books. Anyhow, Brother Helicopter bought me a Greyhound ticket. I spent the whole time with my brothers, sister, niece and nephews, and Mom and Step-Dad. Didn't check in with any old friends. It was great.

One of my favorite things in the world is when all four of us siblings get together, chill out in a room, and gab. We talk about everything. Flying airplanes (Brother Helicopter is huge into flying, and demolishing, super-expensive planes and airplanes); family gossip of all kinds, who Brother Books is banging this month, analingus, and Buddha Statue stealing (family tradition - we all steal eachothers Buddha - I don't think my brother realized I ganked one of his yesterday). It's so much fun. We threaten to beat the shit out of eachother, and end up laughing about anything together.

I didn't get to see much of Mom. She threw her back out and ended up in bed pretty much the whole time I was there, waking only for work. That disappointed me, I whined and whined about how hurt I was that she didn't hang out with me =( Closest thing I got was when I stormed her room, jumped into her bed, and watched General Hospital with her.

Anyhow, I think one of the reasons Brother Helicopter wanted me to come was so that he could see how I looked, acted, etc., given my illness. Fortunately, I went to my doctor the day before I left and my medicine regime got completely changed. Now I take enough morphine every day to kill a (small) horse. This led to me feeling, actually, pretty well. I felt hardly any pain, for the first time in a long time. Except for a few vomiting episodes, I held up really well. This led Brother Helicopter to believe that I am fine. So all I heard from him was that I need to throw out my meds and "just deal." In addition to the pain scripts, I also take antidepressants, sleep aid, and a bunch of antibiotics/albuterol/cough syrup for the lovely case of bronchitis I'm trying to knock. Brother Helicopter said that the bronchitis was probably a side-effect of one of the other medications =)This doesn't bother me so much. I understand that Brother Helicopter hasn't seen me during a really bad spell; he's never had to pull me from the floor or wipe vomit from my cheeks. I was so stoked to be feeling decent while I was visiting, but on the other hand, I think my brother is now convinced that I'm a-o.k. He told me over an over again how I need to stop taking all my medications. He compared it to muscle aches he gets from work - and said, with pride, that all he ever does is apply topical muscle cream. I tried to explain that my situation is a bit different, but to no avail.

He was especially concerned about the anti-depressants. When I told him that every doctor I've seen insists that I stay on them (since my July euthanization attempt) - he told me that I haven't been suicidal since I was 13 - and I explained that I was actually 28 in July, just like I am now. Brother Helicopter is looking out for me and worries - so I'm not mad. I just feel like the direction his concern is taking is misplaced, and that sucks.

Brother Helicopter has also been trying to convince me that Daughter should go and live with him for awhile. See, our father was really, really sick when I was 11 until he died when I was 13. Daughter is 11 and Brother Helicopter fears she will have to go through the same hell we went through ... I don't know. Maybe he's right, maybe I'm being selfish in keeping her here. I love Brother Helicopter. I just wish I felt more support from him =(I don't know.

Because I really respect Brother Helicopter's opinion, I find myself thinking a lot about what he said, and it's getting into my head that maybe he's right. Maybe I need to just stop taking all of my medications and deal. Maybe I should wait til after surgery. Maybe I should at least stop the antidepressants. Maybe I should can all my pills and start smoking the ganja.

If he pays for rehab, I might go, go, go.

Fowl

For the first time in many, many years, I tried eating meat today. Chicken.

It was nasty. Not so much the taste, but the texture. Ugh. You have to chew that shit for so long. I don't like it, but I think I'll try it again. Apparently, I need protein or something.

One flew over.

I went to my first "counseling" appointment today. I walked into a small room, lit with votive candles and humming the water drop sounds of two zen-water-rock thingers. Those things are lame, but I stuck my finger inside of one anyway. To see if I could distract the water flow. I did.

My counselors name was "Rashel" - pronounced Rochelle. I don't know why her parents spelled it like Rachel, but they did. Anyhow, "counseling" consists, essentially, of me looking at the floor and crying while Rashel tells me nothing I haven't already heard before.

Rashel: "Do you have an outlet for your feelings? Journaling maybe?"
Lex: "No. Wait, I have a blog, does that count?"
Rashel: "Does anyone read that, or is it private?"
Lex: "Well, people can read it, but not many do."
Rashel: "You should keep that up, it might help to have a place to vent."
Lex: "Yeah..."

Rashel: "Is there a church or faith-based group that you can turn to for support?"
Lex: "I'm an Atheist."
Rashel: "Oh, right, you said that during intake. So, you don't believe in God?"
Lex: For fucks sake. "No, I don't." Glancing at her computer, I notice a copy of the Serenity Prayer taped to her screen.
Rashel: "That's ok."
Lex: "Yeah..."

Rashel: "Do you ever feel hopeless?"
Lex: Isn't that why I"m in therapy? "Yeah..."

Rashel: "Do you ever feel suicidal?"
Lex: "Yeah..."
Rashel: "Can you promise not to hurt yourself?"
Lex: "I take it day by day."
Rashel: "But do you promise you will call me first, if you get those thoughts?"
Lex: I"m sorry, who are you again? "Yeah..."

Rashel: "You seem really, really down."
Lex: Grabbing another tissue. "Yeah..."
Rashel: "I want you to see the on-call Psychiatrist. Will you wait?"
Lex: "Yeah..."

Psychiatrist: "I want to try some new medications for you. I want to double your anti-depressants... And I hear you're having trouble sleeping and nightmares?"
Lex: "Yeah..."
Psychiatrist: "Ok, I want you to start taking this sleeping medication too, ok?
Lex: "Yeah..."

After I left, I got into my car and began howling. I had a handful of tissues and must have looked like a complete loony bin. Especially to the herds of high-school kids that just got out of class and were filing past me.

Is therapy supposed to make you feel worse?

Laborious Day

Hard to believe the weekend is almost over. Things went by fast, but I am absolutely exhausted, as if I spent the weekend moving or something. I would probably appreciate these three-day weekends more if I had a jobbie-job.

Anyhow, 15 randoms:

1. On Saturday, Step-Son and Fiance's Mom spent the night. It was awesome, but way too short. Step-Son was only here for about 24 hours. Just long enough to realize how much I miss him =(
2. When Step-Son left on Sunday, I started crying like a five year-old. Daughter held me tight and we cried together for awhile. That helps. I told Daughter not to worry, that I always cry when her brother leaves. But Daughter usually goes with Fiance to drop him off so Daughter never sees my wallowing. After learning I get all teary about it, Daughter swore she would stay with me every time her brother went home from now on. I tried to talk her out of this, but she insists. She's such a good kid.
3. My sister was supposed to move here next month. Now, she's not. This bums me out, for purely selfish reasons. Boo.
4. Speaking of Boo, we have a stray-cat (we call him Boo) that's been coming around non-stop. Daughter has been on me 24/7 to take this thing in, but we already have two cats and I'm not about to take on another financial responsibility. All I hear is how sad and lonely he is, and how badly he wants a home and people to love him. I'm not falling for it. It's bad enough that we give him water. We need to call a cat rescue to come get Boo, but someone told me they put cats to sleep at rescues (can anyone verify?) I thought they only did that at the pound? Because, if they are putting 'em down, they really shouldn't be allowed to call that a "rescue"...
5. Oh man, I want to see Super Bad. Super bad. I love that kid that played George Michael on Arrested Development.
6. I am so super-fucking sick of drama and negativity. Why do people fight the most with the very people they love the most?
7. I am sickly addicted to the FX show Damages.
8. Due to #15, it's been far too long since I got laid.
9. Far too long.
10. Daughter came home from school recently and told me, with urgency, that she needed to talk to me. It began with "I want to tell you something before you hear it from somebody else..." Oh God, I thought, this is going to suck. "Did you get in trouble at school?" I asked. "Not yet... but I might tomorrow." She was nervous. Turns out, some boy at school was calling Daughter and her friends mean names, including 'whore.' In retaliation, Daughter called him a "Man-Whore" and they all got sent to the Respect and Responsibility Room (in the old days, it would be detention. These days, they get all the kids together and try to work it out.) I had to try SO hard not to laugh my ass off about this. The little man-whore probably deserved that shit. Apparently, one of Daughter's friends told her that when a boy calls you a whore, you're supposed to call him a man-whore. I decided this is not the age to inform her that it's cool for boys to be whores.
11. Went to my new surgeon last Thursday. He's going on vacation for three weeks... He had absolutely no idea about my case, although I had been told he was briefed. I don't like him. He has a serious Russian accent. Sounds like the guy from Rocky IV. But that's not the reason I don't like him. (That last piece of info is for 'Busto's benefit ;)
12. My mom was here in mid-July. She got really sick. I thought she was faking, until everyone else in the apartment got sick within the next week. I still have a really bad cough. Throwing up blood. Gross. I'm thinking maybe my cold developed into Bronchitis. I read online that there's not much to do, just sit back and wait for it to pass.
13. My computer has been freaking out. Randomly closing the browser, hanging up for a long ass time... Hm. Wish I knew something about computers. Other than that they seem pretty complicated.
14. My kitchen smells like bacon, which no one has cooked here in a long time. (No kind of pork, for that matter - so what the hell is that?)
15. I'm super-tired. Probably due to #12.

That's pretty much all I can think of. My life is kinda boring lately.